Sweet Nothings

Hur hur hur From hearing and reading some of the reviews of Inception I was half expecting a David Lynch-esque piece of free-form art madness. "Don't go for a piss or you'll never keep up!" they warned. For the record, and this is not an attempt to show off, I performed my increasingly regular trick of nodding off for a while in the darkened cinema, thereby missing a whole chunk of action where they dropped down another Dream Level (or something) and yet I still managed to follow what was going on. This is not to say that Christopher Nolan has not made another very fine film, it's perhaps more a comment on just how vacuous the average blockbuster has now become. When one does come along that forces the viewer's brain to engage (and, unlike the rebooted Batman movies, isn't part of an helpfully established franchise), it can come across as far more complicated than it actually is. Nolan's work have never been overly arty - even the mind-melting Me...

From a spokesman for the Department of Education, as quoted on the front page of yesterday's Guardian , in response to allegations that the coalition may be trying to sneakily re-introduce pupil selection in schools: "Ed Balls's leadership campaign is so desperate it is reduced to confecting lies that even a child can see through." Wow, really showing your belief in the potential of the next generation there, guys. Good work.

FINAL SOWETO UPDATE: As it turned out, the tour operator person was very nice about our aborted trip, making various offers to take us out that evening for dinner/drinks. Offers which I kept declining because basically I was still annoyed with them and, no money ever having changed hands, I just wanted to forget about the whole business. Yeah I know, another gift horse stared squarely in the chops. Anyway, it's nearly the end of our trip now and it's often been a strange and fascinating experience. So, what have we learnt? South African petrol stations aren't very accepting of credit cards. Plus they all have attendants who fill your tank up to overflowing unless you specifically ask them not to. They have tomato sauce over here rather than ketchup, which is sweeter and tastes just different enough to be faintly annoying B&B/hostel cooked breakfasts consist of, at most: one egg, two bacon strips, one tomato and toast ONLY. There's normally plenty of cereal ...

Hmm , so it turns out we're not trundling round Soweto this afternoon after all. For whatever reason our driver failed to meet us at the designated location, or at least he didn't show up after an hour and 15 minutes, and so we decided to cut our losses and leave. I'm sorely tempted to NAME AND SHAME the tour operator in question, but as they came highly recommended by the Rough Guide I'll assume this was an aberration and give them the benefit of the doubt. Just.

So yeah, I was at the World Cup final. Admittedly it wasn't the best game, with the Dutch gameplan seemingly to kick several shades of shit out of the Spanish and hope that Howard Webb didn't give them a red card (having seen some highlights, he could have done so much sooner but apparently a kung fu kick to the chest doesn't merit a red these days). And admittedly we were right at the front behind one of the nets which, due to the many cameramen in front of us, was not the ideal vantage point we'd first imagined it to be. And admittedly you could only really get the full effect of the closing ceremony from high up in the stands, or from watching it on TV, and I only got the tiniest glimpse of Shakira in the flesh. But hey, I was at a World Cup final, which still feels pretty cool. More by accident than design, the last few days of this trip have featured not one but two theme parks - UShaka Marine World in Durban and Gold Reef City here in Joburg. Both of these were ...

Durban is an interesting old place. After our first visit for the semi-final on Wednesday night, we returned yesterday for a proper look around. If we'd stuck to walking the streets of the city centre and visiting the Victoria Market, we'd have seen no more than a handful of other white faces all day. It felt like a proper African city, bustling with hawkers and street traders trying to compete with the modern shops they share the pavements with. The market itself is a much more Indian concern, being part of the district where Durban's large community from the subcontinent is apparently based. I was slightly disappointed not to see more Indian folks around there, but I think the real heart of that community was further north, going into the areas which the Rough Guide only recommends for the braver travellers. I did have lunch in an authentic-looking Indian fast-food joint, a nice enough chicken roti roll which I then said hello to again later that evening. Going back d...

After yesterday's match in Durban, we've now been to seven of the ten World Cup stadia and seen eight matches in total. Thoughts on these as follows: Royal Bafokeng stadium, Rustenburg Basically a provincial athletics stadium which somehow holds 40,000 people (the minimum required for World Cup matches), with no video screens or working scoreboard when we were there. From our seats right near the front behind the goals (for England v USA ), we could barely see what was going on at the far end of the pitch and couldn't see the near touchline because of the athletics track and advertising hoardings, hence we only worked out that Robert Green had let Clint Dempsey's tame shot go underneath him by everyone else's despairing reactions. Plus, as recounted elsewhere, the organisation for the park and ride after the match was an absolute shambles. Frankly, an even worse football ground than Brighton's comical Withdean stadium, which was never intended to be used f...

We've seen several sides of South Africa in our two and a half weeks here. Although the place is vast, the nature of the World Cup being spread out between cities in as many areas as possible and our purchasing of different types of tickets has meant plenty of driving and allowed us to see a decent cross-section of it. On day one we briefly experienced the ultra-posh Sandton suburb of Johannesburg (well, one street on which we queued for 2.5 hours at least), which is as white and affluent as you can get. We also saw a bit of Rustenburg (a city everyone agrees is rubbish), and had appalling experiences both in getting away from the stadium and at our hostel - the latter charging us 300 rand each for what turned out to be newly-built bunk beds crammed in 8-to-a-room, as the owners were attempting to make as much cash from English fans as possible. The knackered manager reckoned he'd been up for over 48 hours, which might have elicited some sympathy if he and his sour-faced wife...

... not for us anyway, we still have two more weeks over here including second-round, quarter-final, semi and final matches involving either Paraguay or whoever ends up beating them, and I'm determined to enjoy myself. But I feel almost duty bound to rake over the ashes of yesterday's limp defeat. Here are a few half-baked theories as to why this World Cup campaign was such a disaster for England: Over-reliance on one player Pretty early on, Fabio Capello sussed out that Wayne Rooney was by far our best and most creative player and thus built his formation and team around him. Rooney was by no means alone in being horrendously below par in this tournament, but he was the one player we desperately needed to be on his game. Things fall apart, the centre cannot hold etc Pressure/nerves England did look nervous against the USA but this could be excused as opening-match syndrome, and we still could have won the game against our most difficult group opponents on paper. Then ...

... er, actually not at all. Addo Elephant Park , a huge national park in which we stayed last night, and where you can do your own safaris or guided tours with a chance of seeing all sorts of big game, was really good. I just wanted to do that pun. (Sorry.) The so-called Big Five animals all live there, although of the five we only saw elephants and buffalo, missing out on rhino, lions and leopards. I didn't have massively high expectations going into the safaris, having never done anything like this "in the wild" before, and therefore I really enjoyed seeing a plethora of pachyderms as well as warthogs, meerkats, zebras, a tortoise and a whole host of deer/antelope-y creatures - an Eland, some Hartebeest and loads of beautiful Kudu, which were by far the most numerous. The guide on the guided trip we did said there used to be even more Kudu in the park, which was the main reason for introducing the lions into the fray. Having stopped off at a market at lunchtime, I ca...

... but hopefully not England too. Just a quick one this, as WiFi is expensive and time is against me. South Africa will count themselves rather unfortunate not to progress past the group stages after yesterday's performance, one albeit aided by a farcical mid-meltdown French side. We watched the match on a big screen in a hall on top of a massive hill, at the bottom of which was the Storms River Village - a fantastic national park where we spent the last two nights in a log cabin virtually right next to a stunning stretch of rocky coastline complete with crashing yet strangely soothing wave sounds. (Are you jealous yet?) The aforementioned hall was chock full of rapt South Africans who were going mental as the second goal went in, and throughout the remainder of the match to be fair. It really does seem like the entire country has got behind the national team for this tournament, a fantastic display of unity. And this match proved once and for all that it IS possible for a large...

Lekker: Our four days in and around Cape Town were mostly fabulous. I don't want to become one of those travel bores so I won't drone on and on about how pretty the scenery is, etc. Capetonians certainly love their city though, and the usual phrase you hear is "there are two types of South Africans - those who live in Cape Town and those who want to live here". You can see their point, as their city has the massive advantage of being built in a stunning natural ampitheatre (not sure if this is the correct geological term but it sounds good) surrounded by imposing mountains, including the daddy itself Table Mountain. Climbing the Table was really hard, mind. For some stupid reason, maybe because all my hill climbing experience was years ago in the Malverns/Brecons/Snowdonia, I was thinking the climb would consist of steepish slopes, not the vertiginous, endless rocky steps that were the reality. It was immensely satisfying once we reached the top, however. It sho...

Right, so my World Cup experience so far is as follows: Saturday June 12th Arrived in Johannesburg airport just before 5am after almost a whole day in the air. The plan was to have some breakfast, then get in the queue for the all-singing all-dancing FIFA TICKET MACHINES from which we could obtain all our tickets, including most importantly those for this evening's opening England match. We queue for the machines. The queue is not moving. The machines appear to be broken. We are advised to go into Joburg or Rustenburg instead. We wait a while. Many people leave. The queue starts moving. Up ahead, people are getting actual World Cup tickets from the machines. We get to the front. So close. All the machines break down again. No tickets. We decide to go to Sandton (posh Joburg suburb) to get them instead. Queue for ages to pick up hire car. Drive to Sandton. Queue for over two hours but finally pick up those precious tickets. Back to car, start drive to lodge we've booked...

Tomorrow my alarm will wake me up at stupid o'clock so I can get to the airport in time to catch my flight to South Africa. I'm going to South Africa! For the World Cup! The entire thing! With guaranteed tickets to the final! Which England might even get to! I am absolutely shitting myself. I've sensed the bemusement on peoples' faces when revealing this information in the last few days. Wait a minute, they will have been thinking, you're taking a month off work to go halfway across the world so you can witness one of the great sporting events in person, and you're not bouncing off the walls with excitement?? I see their point. Unfortunately, as someone who craves the orderliness of a safe, familiar routine, I do not make for an ideal traveller. I am also a terrible worrier. I blame this entirely on my mother, who could find the grey cloud of doom attached to every silver lining. Whatever I did with my life, there would always be something for her to nag m...

“My problem with the ending it added more questions... mysteries which they said they would clear up just haven't.” “Seems to me like they didnt have a clue how to end this very long series so cobbled a few ideas together... With that ending I feel like someone who was promised a big shiny toy at xmas and ended up with a piece of coal.” “There never was a "proper ending" since the writers made it up as they went along. The writers/actors/producers are now rich. We were the victims of a elaborate theme-scheme that could not have ended intelligently.” “Worst show ever, 115 hours waiting for some sort of satisfying ending to see if it was really worth it.... it wasnt. Waste of time and totally pointless. Thankfully i wont need to waste any more time on it. Wish it was cancelled years ago!” “a big hoax, with promises of answers to wild concepts that not even the most genius of physicists can answer. I suppose that it was easy for these writers to swindle idiot masses to keep ...

Whether it’s down to an inferiority complex I’m not sure, but Canadian bands seem to have a thing about size - Arcade Fire, who take to the stage with a cornucopia of members and even more instruments, being the obvious example. Somewhat more of a cult concern, though similarly never knowingly understaffed, are Broken Social Scene , who I’ve now seen twice within the space of a week. Whilst AF have developed an epic sound geared towards the mainstream, and have at the very least become as big a cult band as one can possibly be without “crossing over”, BSS tread a more esoteric path - capable of emitting an almighty noise for sure, but equally likely to break into bouts of noodling interspered with shoegazey vocals. On record this doesn’t always hit the mark for me, their previous albums being a bit too rambling for my tastes. In the flesh, though, you get a much more engaging experience, and after their gig at Heaven on Monday night (which is normally what I imagine must be a ...

Right, all you media and advertising exec types - listen up. I thought we'd learned our lesson after the last World Cup. You remember, the one before which the so-called English "golden generation" were massively hyped up as potential winners and out of which we skulked after another limp quarter final defeat. Yeah, the one where we barely put in one decent half of football and where the bloody WAGs generated as many column inches as their spouses. It's bad enough when England inevitably exit a tournament on penalties - the sense of crushing disappointment is a damn sight worse when you lot have pumped up the pre-tournament optimism to a ridiculous and wildly unrealistic degree. But what have we here? I've sat through multiple screenings of at least 5 different Come On Lads, England Expects-type ads this weekend - Kit Kat, Sky, The Sun, Carlsberg and Sony are all at it again. Two of these feature Terry bloody Venables, and during yours, the Sun, we even have t...

Looks like we have ourselves a hung parliament, then. What last night’s results signify depend on who you’re asking: the Tories will claim that the nation has decisively rejected Brown as leader (as indeed the Sun does this morning), but Labour can rightly point to D-Cam’s failure to gain an overall majority, a quite spectacular one considering the polls a year or so ago, the longevity of the present government and the current state of the country. As for the Lib Dems... well, putting a positive spin on things is going to be awfully difficult. Still comfortably stuck in third place, probably with fewer MPs than before, many will blame the first past the post system for their current plight but that doesn’t fully explain how they have failed to capitalize on the goodwill gained by Clegg’s debate performances. Clearly all the people who were considering switching the “yellow vote” ended up not doing so, perhaps they were briefly caught up in the novelty of the moment before being ultima...

7:35pm Here we go again. Tonight’s third and final Prime Ministerial debate is centered around the economy, so there will likely be much emphasis by each man on how they won’t make crippling cuts vital services, and few if any categorical assertions as to what will actually be getting cut, and how deeply. You could say each will be anxious to paint themselves as “less parsimonious than thou”. Parsimonious, by the way, is a great word. One synonym is “niggardly”, another great word but one which I don’t expect anyone to be pulling out of the hat this evening (unless Griffin turns up unexpectedly). Although it would make for a fine act of political suicide. Speaking of which... Yes, sadly the economy is threatening to be overshadowed this evening by the dreaded Bigotgate debacle. I won’t go into this in detail because it makes me too angry, suffice to say that Mrs Duffy’s comments, such as “all these Eastern Europeans what are coming in, where are they flocking from?” (um, Easte...

Welcome back. So, where were we? 8:42pm Oh, so apparently that's the end of the international affairs portion. Next question: (asked by a bit of a hottie, hello Mary) why should anyone trust any of you ever again? Clegg refers to the "old parties" again, and does his bit for voting reform. Dave is keen for none of this nasty expenses-fiddling stuff to ever happen again. Lots of closing of stable doors long after the horse has legged it here, methinks. Nick sounds like he's coming onto Mary. Hands off! Gordon is making a fair point about the significance of politics, but of course it's the politicians who are the problem rather than politics itself. Dave reminds us we are all in this mess. Gordon is emphasising that things must become more transparent, but he pronounces it "trans-pear-ant" which is most distracting. 8:54pm Grace has brought up 5 children for most of her life. Well done love, what do you want, a medal? Oh, a better pension, I se...