Why are pirates bad? Because they arrrrr...


Treasure Island. Captain Pugwash (whose crew categorically did not include Master Bates and Roger the Cabin Boy). Pirates of the Bastard Caribbean. All reasons why pirates have come to be viewed with a teary-eyed romanticism. People are at great pains to point out the differences between the modern form of piracy currently being practiced around the Horn of Africa and the funny, dashing pirates of yore. Even then, some would say, these Somali guys aren't all that bad really. All they do is kidnap defenceless crews and hold them captive until a ransom is paid - and sometimes they even have dinner with their hostages. How very civilized!

This is all rather puzzling, because clearly pirates are criminals. As Ian Jack pointed out in the Grauniad yesterday, we don't look back on a Golden Age of Rape or Happy Slapping, but piracy is somehow not lumped in with other crime. It's seen as a gallant, noble enterprise, something akin to what Robin Hood was doing - so what if they were terrorising innocent sailors and travellers, they were only nicking stuff off rich people who wouldn't notice the difference.

Even Danny Baker, now dressing up as a pirate on 606 (Tuesdays, 10pm, Five Live, essential listening) asked the newsreader if she could maybe refer to the Somalis as "evil pirates", so as not to tarnish the good name of the 606 pirate ship. I got the feeling he was only half joking. The only solution is to ban any pirate-related books, TV shows and films unless they show THE TRUTH behind this tissue of lies. Pirates = bad guys, okay? Good.

(What's that? I'm just looking for a way to stop Disney making any more Pirates movies? Oh, pish and piffle. That would merely be a happy side effect.)

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