Reality bites

[NOTE: Grr... Blogger went down on Thursday evening and I lost half of this post. What you see below is partly re-written from memory, so if it's rubbish then clearly that's the reason.]

I've not really blogged about The Apprentice before, but after checking the whole internet it appears that nobody else has ever written about it, so here we go!

We're into series 7 now and the format has passed the well-established stage and is lurching perilously close to "tired". It's nobody's fault, for this is just the way of TV shows in general and reality shows in particular. These tend to peak in their first series when the format is new and fresh, any cynicism about possible match-fixing hasn't had time to set in, and the contestants aren't all hyper-aware thanks to viewings of previous series. This rule certainly applies to the majority of UK reality shows from the last decade or so - Big Brother, Pop Idol, I'm A Celeb... The exception is The X Factor, which only found its feet thanks to some format tweaks following a debut series which asked us to believe a middle-aged pub singer and charisma vacuum was the best unsigned talent in Britain.

Still, The Apprentice retains many undeniable pleasures, most of which come from the editing. It's some feat just to whittle down what must be weeks and weeks worth of film to series length, let alone producing 12 hours as tight and coherent as they do. This week's opening doubleheader showcased two of the show's most enduring tropes. On Wednesday evening we had "The Misdirect", wherein everything pointed to the boys' team winning comfortably - they quickly thought of an (admittedly non-PC) idea and did a decent job of putting it together, and everybody appeared to be pulling in the same direction. Meanwhile the girls came up with an awful-sounding app at the 11th hour with an even worse name and were beset by the familiar squabbles.

Lo and behold, we get to the boardroom only to discover that they won, mainly because the boys' app was never going to appeal to the global market. That fact that was conveniently omitted from the final edit, as once again the producers led us a merry dance. But still, they've gotten away with it once again thanks to us pesky viewers, who keep on tuning in for more shameless manipulation.

Sometimes though the outcome is such a foregone conclusion that The Misdirect is never going to work. Luckily the "Let's Laugh at the Obvious Idiot" gambit is ever-reliable, as Tuesday's opener demonstrated. Considering what happens at the start of every series, Edward's insistence on being project manager for the first task was baffling. But then again everything about Edward was baffling - the beard, the shouting, the complete lack of anything resembling a plan...

In a way "The Accountant" can count himself a bit unlucky as The Apprentice has a fine track record of letting idiots go quite a long way in the process before being spectacularly ejected. However, one thing the likes of Phil "Pantsman" Taylor, Michael "Jewish" Sophocles and, of course, Stuart "Ball" Baggs had was quite ridiculous levels of self-belief. Their cockiness allows them to breeze through the first few tasks and they can easily bullshit their way out of any early boardrooms as SirAlanLordSugar inevitably weeds out the weak and/or boring candidates first. Edward's problem was that he simply wasn't deluded enough. The producers made great capital out of his 60 minutes in the spotlight though. The final "roll with the punches" as he trudged off in the taxi was a masterful moment of bathos - and a lot funnier than any of Alan's painfully-rehearsed ad libs.

In fact, Lord S himself has now become one of the show's main drawbacks. One of the reasons why the UK Apprentice caught on so well - and why I believe it is superior to the US original - was that Sugar came across as a grumpy, misanthropic old sod who appeared to treat the whole process with utter contempt. (As opposed to, say, a slick, stupidly-coiffured old ham.) Ironically, the more polished Alan tries to become, the less likeable he is. Oh God, if he follows in Trump's footsteps and politics keeps going down the same path then a future general election might see a not-so-epic Boris Johnson vs Alan Sugar confrontation, the winner getting all the spoils. Be very afraid.