Wedding table info - Las Vegas hotel profiles
If you were lucky enough to be at my recent wedding, here is the stuff I wrote about each of the seven casinos that we used as tables during the evening meal. If you weren't there, you probably won't have a clue what's going on, but you're welcome to have a read anyway.
Opened: December 18, 1993
Cost to build: $1 billion
Rooms: 6,852
Total gaming space: 15,930 sq m
Slot machines: 2500+
Ben and Becky stayed at the Grand for three nights. We were impressed with the size of the room, which was bigger than both our current and former flats, and had a TV which spun around so you could watch it from either the bed or the sofa (to be fair, Ben was more interested in this than Becky). We also paid to see Bon Jovi at the Garden Arena, but then the Grand Canyon re-opened so we ended up going there instead. We mostly don’t regret it.
The MGM originally had a Wizard of Oz theme, including an ‘Emerald City’ attraction complete with the Yellow Brick Road and animatronic versions of Dorothy, Tin Man, Scarecrow, etc. We would be lying if we said this theme was sorely missed.
The resort’s main entrance used to be through the mouth of the MGM mascot, the imaginitively-named Leo the Lion. They also built a theme park. All this is now closed. Again, not so bothered. They also used to have a LION HABITAT inside the casino (separated by glass from patrons, obviously), which closed in 2012. Dammit, we missed the lions. This is a disaster.
Being seated on the MGM table means you’re a bold, outgoing, extravagent type, who isn’t afraid to update their image to keep with the times. Well done you.
Permanent shows:
Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club – Neither Becky nor Ben had ever heard of Brad Garrett so we didn’t pay a visit to his venue. Subsequent research reveals that Garrett has appeared in numerous TV and film roles, including the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond and, most excitingly, was the voice of Hulk Hogan in the 80s cartoon series Hulk Hogan’s Rock’n’Wrestling (NB this may not have been all that exciting to Becky). Why the Hulkster couldn’t do his own voice for the show is a mystery.
Cirque du Soleil: Ka – not a tribute to Ford’s ever-popular small city vehicle, but a show based on ”the duality of Kà, the fire that can unite or separate, destroy or illuminate.” Ka boasts floating stages in the form of giant moving platforms and lifts, and features automation, pyrotechnics and puppetry as well as the usual CDS acrobatics and martial arts-style choreography.
Unfortunately, due to a fatal accident involving one of the performers during the finale in 2013, the entire ending (a ‘final battle’) has been replaced with a CGI video. Cue an avalanche of 1-star reviews. It’s health and safety gone mad!
Restaurants/attractions:
Hakkasan - on a Sunday night we came back to the hotel at around midnight to find hundreds of immodestly-dressed, annoyingly young-looking folks queuing up to get into Hakkasan nightclub. This made us feel very old.
Joel Robuchon – 3 Michelin stars. Fantastically expensive. Even Paris doesn’t have a place of his like this. Turncoat.
L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon – A smaller restaurant from the same chap, for less important people. Still has one Star though. Atelier means loft. It’s his actual loft, obviously. Part of a chain of eight gourmet restaurants stretching from Paris to London and Tokyo.
David Copperfield – the peculiar-looking magician and former fiancé of (but, strangely, never the husband of) Claudia Schiffer is still doing residencies here. Advertises his current show as ‘an intimate evening of grand illusion’. His website also advertises Musha Cay, his private island resort in the Bahamas (the most luxurious in the world, it says here), so perhaps the magic thing isn’t paying as well as it used to.
CSI: The Experience – love watching gruesome crime scenes on the CSI franchise’s plethora of TV shows but wish you could experience the guts, gore and grim, unrelenting misery first-hand? Then this is the interactive attraction for you!
Wolfgang Puck – he reinvents American bar and grill food with approachable fine dining, according to his website anyway. Prime burger with Vermont cheddar and onion marmalade, with truffled potato chips on the side? Don’t mind if we do.
MGM Grand Garden Arena – Seats up to 16,800 people, and plays host to concerts, championship boxing and premier sporting and special events. Last month it had Ultimate Fighting Championships, the latest Floyd Mayweather superfight and a mini music festival including Taylor Swift, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran, 50 Cent and Motley Crue, although sadly not all at the same time.
Opened: October 15, 1998
Cost to build: $1.6 billion
Rooms: 3,950
Total gaming space: 10,800 sq m
Slot machines: 2400+
The Bellagio is inspired by the Italian town of the same name in the Lombardy region, aka “the pearl of Lake Como”, with Alpine views to the North. There are probably some statistics as to how many people have visited the hotel in comparison to the town, but we couldn’t be bothered to find them.
Lake Como has an area of 146 km2 and at over 400 metres in depth is one of the deepest lakes in Europe as well as one of the most beautiful. Famous types who own or have owned some of the many sumptuous villas dotting its shores include Madonna, George Clooney, Gianni Versace, Richard Branson and Sly Stallone.
The Vegas version meanwhile boasts its own man-made lake between the buildings and the Strip, which is slightly smaller at 8 acres in area. Mind you, artificial lakes do have other advantages, and certainly Lake Como must be very jealous of the Fountains of Bellagio - a vast choreographed water feature with performances set to light and music, which take place every 15–30 minutes and are completely free.
Various pieces of music are used to soundtrack the show, so anybody wishing to propose will either need to suss out the song schedule in advance or else rely on sheer luck. Fortunately for him, Ben proposed just after Frank Sinatra had finished crooning Luck Be A Lady. When we watched them an hour or so later from the top of the Eiffel Tower (see Paris), Celine Dion was wailing out My Heart Will Go On. Sometimes in Vegas, the cards do fall right.
The fully story of Ben’s proposal to Becky - on the terrace of Picasso restaurant, after a delicious Michelin-starred meal - is on our wedding website. If you’ve not read it, shame on you.
Obviously the Bellagio was chosen as the top table for its significance to Ben and Becky, but also to reflect the obvious class and sophistication of its occupants. Or alternatively, you’re here by default because tradition dictates it. We’ll leave you to decide which.
Permanent shows:
Cirque du Soliel: O – O is the only Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas which has an aquatic theme. Presumably the name is a rather weak play on the French ‘Eau’, or maybe it’s meant to be a bit saucy. Featuring world-class acrobats, synchronized swimmers and divers performing on, in and above water, it certainly sounds different. It’s also “inspired by the concept of infinity and the elegance of water's pure form”. Steady on - it’s only a liquid.
Reviews are almost universally positive, including from people who haven’t even seen it such as Liam Abraham Millan Guzman in Mexico: “I love this cirque I want to see "O" but I dont can because the money are very small :`( is my dream see 1 cirque du soleil”. Somebody set up a Just Giving page for this man NOW.
Restaurants/attractions:
Picasso – Maybe the only restaurant in the world where the patrons might spend more time walking around admiring the $100 million-worth of fine art (yes, they are real Pablo Picassos) on the walls rather than what’s on their tables – although neglecting Chef Julian Serrano’s 2 Michelin starred- food, French with a little bit of Spanish molecular gastronomy thrown in, would be foolish. The pictures, though, certainly put the current food blogger vogue for taking arty-farty photos of your plate into perspective.
The restaurant is featured prominently in Ocean’s Eleven, in the scenes where George Clooney (him again) persuades Julia Roberts to dump her filthy rich gangster husband for his petty crook character, basically just because he is George Clooney and therefore unfeasibly handsome. Damn him.
Bellagio Gallery of Fine Art – if the numerous works of art dotted around the resort weren’t enough, this special exhibition space displays on-loan works from museums and private collections the world over.
Conservatory and botanical gardens – probably the busiest, least tranquil botanical gardens in the world.
The Bank Nightclub – in theory a nightclub in the Bellagio should be very genteel. In practice, God only knows.
Le Cirque – a one Michelin starred French restaurant. We didn’t bother with this – only two-star eateries for us, don’t you know.
Michael Mina - ditto
Jean Philippe Patisserie – incredible-looking cakes and pastries, but the real draw is the World’s Largest Chocolate Fountain~! *drools*
Bonus fact (1): Inside Bellagio, Dale Chihuly's Fiori di Como, composed of over 2,000 hand-blown glass flowers, covers 2,000 sq ft (190 m2) of the lobby ceiling.
Bonus fact (2): Many pro poker players enjoy playing at the Bellagio poker room because of its high table limits, calling it ‘the office’.
Opened: September 1st, 1999 (by Catherine Deneuve, obviously)
Cost to build: $760 million
Rooms: 2916
Gaming space: 7,900 sq m
Slot machines: 1700+
With its huge sign in the shape of a Montgolfier balloon and 165m-tall half-scale replica Eiffel Tower, it’s hard to miss Vegas’s mini-me version of the City of Love. The Tower was originally conceived as a full-sized copy, but had to be shrunk due to its proximity to McCarran airport (which sits literally right at the Southern end of the Las Vegas Strip).
Paris also boasts the self-styled “most picturesque casino floor in Las Vegas”, set as it is alongside Parisian streetscapes, fountains and statues and beneath the massive legs of the faux Tour Eiffel.
Becky and Ben went up the Tower just after Ben proposed. Someone asked us whether we were engaged, seemingly out of the blue. Our faces must have been radiating sheer unadulterated happiness. Makes you sick, doesn’t it?
If you’re sitting on chic, sophisticated Paris table it’s because you are possessors of that certain je-ne-sais-quoi. Literally. We haven’t got a clue how to describe you.
Permanent shows:
Jersey Boys – The self-importantly-named Theatre des Arts currently plays host to this popular jukebox musical. With its evocative recreations of both working class Italian-American street life and fantastic 60s pop music, Jersey Boys has absolutely nothing to do with Paris whatsoever. Ironically, Paris is one of the few Strip hotels not to play host to a Cirque du Soleil show. Maybe the hotel owners thought they had more than enough French-sounding stuff to be getting on with.
The Theatre des Arts has hosted numerous musicals and shows over the years. The Producers opened in Jan 2007 with David Hasselhoff as one of the leads – however, he had to leave as he kept going walkabout and missing shows. Letting the Hoff loose in Vegas – how could it have gone so wrong?
Signature attractions:
Eiffel Tower Experience – The observation deck gives you 360 degree views of the city and prime views of the Bellagio fountains from a loftier perspective. The 11th floor restaurant is a bit lower down. A popular spot for weddings, but luckily for all of you we resisted the urge to get married on the spot in Vegas and have invited you here today instead, and painted pretty pictures of Vegas in words. You’re welcome.
Gordon Ramsey Steak – Although not remotely Gallic to our knowledge, with his surly demeanour and love of expletives, Ramsey probably qualifies as an honorary Frenchman.
Château nightclub – Apparently the only major club in Vegas you can access directly from the Strip without having to walk through a casino, but where’s the fun in that eh? Also the only Vegas club with rooftop gardens. No walking/vomiting/ copulating on the grass, s’il vous plait.
Le Centrale/Le Cabaret – French themed casino floor-level bars. You can hear the tunes from the Cabaret while strolling around the casino floor, a nice touch.
Napoleon’s– a piano bar and lounge in the classic Vegas style, which features a staple of Vegas nightlife, a duelling piano show. The pianos don’t really fight each other, although during some of the more forced banter between the pianists, you might wish they did.
Anthony Cools – The longest-running hypnotist show in Las Vegas, this sounds like the standard routine of humiliation, embarrassment and degradation of susceptible volunteers. Paul McKenna without the boring self-help angle, in other words.
Soleil pool – Paris’s pool sounds different to most others – a 2-acre rooftop pool with direct views of the ubiquitous Tower and other nearby Strip landmarks.
Things the real Paris has that Paris, Vegas doesn’t:
Les Champs Elysees
Les 20-Euro cups of coffee aux Champs Elysees
Le Metro
La Seine
Le Statue of Liberty (although there’s one down the road – see New York New York)
Les bateaux mouches
Où est le Centre Pompidou?
Le Louvre
La Moulin Rouge (surely Paris, Vegas is missing a trick here, n’est-ce pas?)
Random hippies hanging around Jim Morrison’s grave
Surly locals who reply to you in English when you’re trying to practise your French
Opened: 1966
Cost to build: $25 million (money was cheaper in those days)
Rooms: 3960
Gaming space: 15,442 sq m
Slot machines: 1500+
Caesars Palace of course has a Roman theme, with a suitably decadent facade and towers with names like Augustus, Octavius and Forum. In 1993 it famously played host to the boxing match between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield during which an individual known as ‘Fan Man’ crashed into the ring on a powered paraglider and was welcomed by all with open arms and closed fists.
Ben and Becky spent a bit of time here wandering around the casino floor and taking in the Forum Shops, but didn’t stay long as we were annoyed that Elton John’s latest Million Dollar Piano show stint at the inevitably-named Colosseum theatre had ended a few days before. Note to Caesars: neither Celine Dion nor Shania Twain are acceptable substitutes.
If you’re seated at Caesars, it means you’re erudite, cultured and wise. Or so old that you can remember the last days of Ancient Rome. One of the two, certainly.
Permanent shows:
Matt Goss – yes, him out of Bros now has an arguably even more successful second act in his career as a slick lounge crooner performing many classic covers every night in The Gossy Room (really).
Absinthe – taking the Cirque du Soleil formula and upping the ante, Absinthe combines cabaret and acrobatics in a more intimate, outdoor marquee setting and turns the raciness up to 11. Reviews are almost uniformly excellent, which just goes to show that nobody ever lost money by underestimating the public’s thirst for smut.
Attractions:
Forum shops – known as ‘the shopping wonder of the world’, this is shopping centre as theme park, hundreds of luxury shops in a ridiculously opulent cartoon Roman setting. Also home to the Fall of Atlantis animatronic show and a 50,000-gallon aquarium, both of which we managed to miss. Furthermore, it boasts one of the world’s few spiral escalators, which in truth is not quite as exciting as it sounds.
Nobu – the famous Japanese brand has not just its own restaurant at Caesars but its own hotel tower. The only US Nobu to offer teppan tables – you know, those ones where the chef cooks the meal in front of you.
Restaurant Guy Savoy - Two Michelin starred. “The most fundamentally French restaurant in town”, according to the Guardian, which begs the question as to why it’s not in Paris across the road. He does have a restaurant in the real French capital though, which has 3 stars. Obviously his food doesn’t travel so well.
Mesa Grill – the only Vegas restaurant owned by nominative determinism’s very own celebrity chef Bobby Flay. His Deep South-influenced menu earned a Michelin star in 2008, which has since been lost, possibly behind the sofa.
Bacchanal buffet – buffets are as essential to the fabric of Las Vegas as slot machines and pool parties. This one is consistently rated the best, which is no surprise when it was created on a $100 million budget. Dishes to sample include fried chicken and waffles, red velvet pancakes, mini Wagyu sliders and Japanese curry, though possibly not all at the same time.
Gordon Ramsay pub – there’s Gordon in the publicity photos, staring moodily at the camera with a bulldog by his side, for this is apparently the most authentic English pub experience in Vegas. Years ago this would have meant wall-to-wall fag smoke, darts and sticky carpets, but nowadays presumably signifies artisanal craft beers, open-mic folk nights and burgers served on chopping boards. We miss plates.
Garden of the Gods pool oasis – 4.5 acre complex comprising six different pools. Fortuna offers swim-up blackjack, Bacchus is for VIPs only, and Venus apparently has topless ladies (and coincidentally charges for men to get in).
Fizz Las Vegas – a massive champagne lounge and bar owned by Elton John’s husband David Furnish. Artwork displayed is from Elton’s personal collection. Tantrums and tiaras optional.
Qua Baths and Spa – bills itself as the best in Vegas. Despite the Roman theme, probably no orgies allowed.
And finally, Caesars Magical Empire~! - Built in 1996 as part of Vegas’s drive to become more family-friendly, this was an immersive entertainment and dining experience, and a showcase for major magicians. Guests were taken via a ‘magical elevator’ down to ‘subterranean catacombs’, to be met by ‘Roman gladiators’ who ‘humourously’ got lost as they showed you the way around.
You then arrived at ‘Sanctorum Secorum’ to an audio-visual welcome from Caesar himself. Guests were then divided into smaller tables of 24 (10 tables, 240 per sitting) where waiters and magicians would interact with you. The whole thing was razed in 2002 when bosses realised that a huge concert venue would generate far more cash, so sadly we just missed out on seeing it by 13 years or so. Outrageous.
Opened: June 21, 1996
Cost to build: $344 million
No of rooms: 2992
Total gaming space: 9,500 sq m
Slot machines: 1400
Ben and Becky stayed at Monte Carlo for their first three nights in Las Vegas. They lost some money at the casino, watched some incredibly drunken tourists part with lots of money at the duelling piano show at the Pub, were startled by the Blue Man parade, enjoyed the pool area with its lazy river and waterfall, and even had a half-decent McDonalds breakfast.
The hotel is named to invoke the Place du Casino in Monte Carlo and features chandelier domes, marble floors, neoclassical arches, ornate fountains and gas-lit promenades. The shopping area is optimistically called the Street of Dreams and includes a Harley Davidson store full of more bike-related merchandise than you could ever imagine.
As of 2009, the Monte Carlo print advertising campaign features humorously misspelled French words ("tray sheek") coupled with glamorous images. The campaign's tagline is "Unpretentiously luxurious". Tsk, how pretentious.
The resort was built on the site of the old Dunes hotel, and was originally known as the “Grand Victoria”, which is how the French refer to the architecture of the England’s Victorian era, fact fans. However the top brass at the MGM Grand over the road weren’t happy about this, so it first got shortened to Victoria before they dropped that whole idea and went for the far more evocative Monte Carlo instead.
You’ve been placed at the Monte Carlo table because clearly you are a dashing, devil-may-care high-roller, or a massive tax evader. Or both.
Pemanent shows:
Blue Man Group - every Blue Man show is a bizarre melting pot of performance art, music, dance, special effects and audience-participation shenanigans, conducted by three mute bald men covered in blue paint. Ben saw one in London a few years ago, but the Vegas version is apparently turbo-charged with new technologies and innovative new ways of interacting with the spectators.
If the Blue Man parade – a daily procession through the casino floor prior to the show featuring something called the Percussipede, a musical centipede of percussion instruments – is anything to go by, the show will leave your ears ringing for weeks.
Attractions:
André’s – fine French dining with a 15,000-strong wine list, not to mention a Cigar and Cognac Lounge with one of the widest selections of after-dinner drinks in America.
Diablo’s Cantina – part Mexican restaurant, part bar, part club, and all-night wall of noise and inappropriate clothing. Also features the Wheel O’Sin, spun every half hour or so to determine which booze gets the best Happy Hour deals. We made our excuses and walked on past.
Brand Steakhouse – specialty dish: 120oz Ultimate Steak for Six. Or, as Americans call it, a modest appetizer.
Double Barrel Roadhouse – good ol’ American down and dirty restaurant and bar with live music and decidedly mixed reviews.
The Pub – we went to the The Pub on our first night, where the service wasn’t great either but at least the portions were hugely and reliably America. It was our first experience of a duelling piano show, which is where two old hams play cheesy versions of tunes both old and new and guests are encouraged to tip them for requests and/or to sing along. We weren’t even there that late and there were already wasted guests shoving hundreds of dollars into the tip boxes just for them to play their old college marching song. You know what they say about a fool and his money. Sadly, Vegas makes idiots of us all.
Minus 5˚ Ice bar – it’s a bar. Made of ice. You have to dress like an eskimo to get in. We didn’t go to this one, but Ben has been to the London equivalent. It was a bit nippy, and getting one’s wallet out was a struggle (not a euphemism).
Monte Carlo occupies a curious position in the Vegas Strip hierarchy, being neither a super-luxurious top-end establishment nor one of the really cheesy super-themed joints like Excalibur or Luxor (neither of which you will find at this wedding – we do have certain standards). The lack of more themed stuff is odd, as Monaco has plenty of stuff to choose from, although obviously Vegas has it’s other best-known attractions – ie casinos – fairly well covered.
Still, they could have done some kind of Grand Prix theme, Monaco being home to not just the annual race but also many of the multimillionaire drivers, who move there in order to avoid the pesky inconvenience of paying any tax.
There are also things called Monte Carlo methods – a broad class of computational algorithms that rely on repeated random sampling to obtain numerical results. Typically one runs simulations many times over in order to obtain the distribution of unknown probabilistic entitiezzzz.... Sorry, we’re even boring ourselves now.
Opened: Jan 3rd 1997
Cost to build: $460 million
Rooms: 2024
Gaming space: 7800 sq m
Slot machines: 1500+
New York-New York goes for broke when it comes to its theme, from the facade built to resemble the 1940s-era Big Apple skyline to the hotel towers configured to resemble iconic skyscrapers such as the Empire State and Chrysler buildings. Dotted around the frontage are replicas of the Statue of Liberty, Soldiers and Sailors Monument, the main immigration building at Ellis Island and the Grand Central terminal, as well as lots of cool old billboards. Sadly half of this was a building site during our stay, but you can’t win them all.
The casino area is known as Central Park, with the various fast food joints and small shops laid out like blocks of Greenwich Village. Ben and Becky found the interior to be almost impossible to navigate around, which is all part of the hotel designers’ plan to stop you leaving and encourage you to burn through all your cash on the slots and tables instead.
There used to be a 9/11 memorial, to which people sent in tributes and memorabilia and everything, which seems well-intentioned but, er, surely to the wrong city. It’s not there anymore - they took it down to expand the casino. Priorities, people!
You’re sat at New York, New York, so you’re likely to be a brash, straight-talkin’, ultra-successful kinda guy/gal. Or maybe just a bit fruity (y’know, like an apple).
Permanent shows:
Zumanity – This cabaret-style Cirque du Soleil show sees the company throwing off all its inhibitions and embracing the seamier side of Vegas. Zumanity is strictly for over 18s, as the website promises various circus acts such as ‘2 Men’, ‘Orgy’ and ‘Midnight Bath’, and some quite racy photos. But it did get through Ben’s office’s internet smut filter, so we’ll leave you to decide how saucy it actually is.
Attractions:
Big Apple Coaster – NY-NY is the only hotel on the lower Strip to have its own rollercoaster. It used to be called the Manhattan Express, but as the trains look like NY’s yellow cabs this was probably deemed too confusing. The coaster broke down while we were in the queue and arguing about the cost of engagement rings, so it was probably Ben’s fault.
Coney Island Emporium – a proper old school gaming arcade. All machines are ticket-operated and include the likes of crane grabbers and coin droppers as well as video games old and new. Not a video poker or slot machine in sight, which is very unusual for Vegas. Travelling fairground folk not included.
Hershey’s Chocolate World – a recently opened two-storey, 13,000 square-foot temple to the bitter American chocolate that’s never taken off over here. You can buy a ‘World’s largest’ Hershey bar for $50. Er, how about no. But wait - they actually own Reese’s of peanut butter cup fame too? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Nine Fine Irishmen – An Irish pub. The in-no-way stereotypical entertainment includes a house band playing wild electric jigs, reels and classic singalongs, accompanied by traditional Irish dance. The titular gentlemen were a bunch of 1850s Irish Nationalists who were exiled after unsuccessfully fighting or independence, whose history is encapsulated in a song which you can hear on the pub’s website. Sadly, The Pogues it ain’t.
Gallagher’s Steak House – does what it says on the tin.
Il Fornaio – New York-style Italian restaurant. You might imagine it would full of colourful Sopranos-style characters, but obviously Vegas has no connection with organised crime whatsoever, so...
Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs – what do you mean, you’ve never heard of them?
Coyote Ugly – a bar inspired by the eponymous movie, ‘featuring lady bartenders showcasing their artistic pouring techniques’. Which is one way of putting it.
Stuff from the real New York that’s not in the Vegas version:
Chinatown
Little Italy (although it’s being taken over by Chinatown as we speak)
Brooklyn hipsters and their macrobiotic record labels
Rockefeller Center ice rink
Madison Square Garden (or any other garden)
New Year in Times Square where they drop a ball at midnight, for some reason
The diner from that scene in When Harry Met Sally. You know the one we mean.
Bonus Wikipedia factoid:
A US Post Office Statue of Liberty Stamp, which was intended to show the actual Lady in New York Harbor, instead shows the replica from New York-New York due to stamp designers incorrectly choosing a stock photo of the replica. Over 10.5 billion stamps had been printed before the error was noticed, by which point it could not be corrected. Well done everyone!
Opened: May 3rd 1999, amidst a flurry of white doves, and Sophia Loren christening the first gondola (obviously)
Cost to build: $1.5 billion
Rooms: 4049 (including the Palazzo resort)
Total gaming space: 11,000 sq m
Slot machines: 2,200+
Built on the site of the old Sands resort, the Venetian largely succeeds in radiating an aura of classy sophistication, which is easier said than done in Las Vegas. Together with the adjacent Sands Expo Convention Center and Palazzo resort, it forms part of the largest five-diamond hotel and resort complex in the world.
The site offers pretty decent approximations of all the main features of the ever-popular Italian lagoon-city – the Doge’s Palace, the Lion of Venice column, the Campanile (bell tower) and the Rialto bridge. Although indoors, their version of St Mark’s Square (part of the Grand Canal Shoppes complex) does look remarkably light and airy, although far less susceptible to flooding than the real thing obviously.
Ben and Becky came here on the afternoon before Ben proposed. He didn’t enjoy it as much as he should have done because he was so nervous, the fool. Our indoor gondola ride– complete with hammy, all-singing gondolier – was fun. The outdoor gondolas would have been better, but were booked up for hours on end.
Being at the Venetian table makes you a cosmopolitan, seafaring bon viveur. Congratulations. (Actually, we’re just trying to flatter you. But you can pretend.)
Permanent shows:
Georgia on My Mind – a Ray Charles tribute show. Not starring Jamie Foxx.
Lipschtick – female comedy showcase at the Sands Showroom. ‘A category 5 tornado of hilarity.’ We’ll take their word for it.
Panda! – A Chinese version of Cirque du Soleil, by the sounds of it. Follows “the heroic quest of LongLong on an adventurous mission to rescue his beloved Peacock Princess from the malicious Demon Vulture”. Obviously not based on a true events – a real panda would probably say good riddance if his missus was kidnapped, as he wouldn’t have to bother with all that tedious procreation business.
Rock of Ages – Vegas-based production of the popular 80s soft rock jukebox musical, featuring big hair, big choruses and exceedingly tight trousers.
Smokey Robinson presents Human Nature: The Motown Show – A Motown tribute show with a modern twist. NB those expecting Mr Robinson to appear every night may be disappointed.
Attractions:
Grand Canal Shoppes – A 42,000 square metre luxury mall with over 100 stores including a flagship branch of Barneys New York. Featuring the aforementioned indoor gondolas, which float under bridges down to the replica St Mark’s Square and back.
The restaurant row area features fine dining establishments such as AquaKnox (seafood, complete with raw bar), B&B Ristorante (Italian, co-owned by Mario Batali), Delmonico Steakhouse (specialty: chicken-for-two carved tableside), V Bar (Vegas’s first ‘ultra lounge’, whatever that is) and, er, Public House (it’s a pub).
Many of the other eating establishments dotted around the Venetian’s sprawling floors have suitably latin-sounding names, eg Canaletto, Carnevino and Postrio, the latter sitting on St Mark’s Square and owned by Wolfgang Puck, whose establishments seem to pop up everywhere.
Madame Tussauds – Vegas’s outpost of the popular waxy celebrity sort-of lookalikes attraction features a Viva Las Vegas room, complete with iconic figures from the city’s history such as Elvis, the Rat Pack, Liberace, and prominent members of the Italian-American organized crime community (not really).
TAO nightclub – in 2010 this place was second only to the XS Club at The Wynn in revenue, trousering over $60 million. An Asian-inspired theme, including an infinity edge pool stocked with koi. The TAO Beach day club and pool party is on the roof.
Carnevale – the Venetian’s own homage to traditional summer-long celebrations of food, wine, art, fashion and other such Italian archetypes, the earliest recorded instances of which date from the 12th century - although they probably didn’t include nightly 3D projection shows on the village clock tower.
As an aside, the Venetian had to pay $1 million penalty in 2004 to settle a Gambling Control Board complaint, and in 2013 agreed to a payment of $47.4 million to the Department of Justice to settle charges over alleged money laundering activities. Viva Las Vegas!
Stuff from the real Venice that isn’t in the Venetian:
The smell. Oh God, the smell.
Looky-looky men on every corner trying to sell you useless knick-knacks.
Most of the city’s 700-odd bridges.
Murano glassware.
The Lido (to be fair, the pool here is probably better).
The ubiquitous signs pointing you in the direction of San Marco and the Rialto. Not that we would have gotten lost without them, oh no.
Finally, here's a table that we didn't eventually use once final numbers were confirmed:
Opened: December 18, 1993
Cost to build: $1 billion
Rooms: 6,852
Total gaming space: 15,930 sq m
Slot machines: 2500+
Ben and Becky stayed at the Grand for three nights. We were impressed with the size of the room, which was bigger than both our current and former flats, and had a TV which spun around so you could watch it from either the bed or the sofa (to be fair, Ben was more interested in this than Becky). We also paid to see Bon Jovi at the Garden Arena, but then the Grand Canyon re-opened so we ended up going there instead. We mostly don’t regret it.
The MGM originally had a Wizard of Oz theme, including an ‘Emerald City’ attraction complete with the Yellow Brick Road and animatronic versions of Dorothy, Tin Man, Scarecrow, etc. We would be lying if we said this theme was sorely missed.
The resort’s main entrance used to be through the mouth of the MGM mascot, the imaginitively-named Leo the Lion. They also built a theme park. All this is now closed. Again, not so bothered. They also used to have a LION HABITAT inside the casino (separated by glass from patrons, obviously), which closed in 2012. Dammit, we missed the lions. This is a disaster.
Being seated on the MGM table means you’re a bold, outgoing, extravagent type, who isn’t afraid to update their image to keep with the times. Well done you.
Permanent shows:
Brad Garrett’s Comedy Club – Neither Becky nor Ben had ever heard of Brad Garrett so we didn’t pay a visit to his venue. Subsequent research reveals that Garrett has appeared in numerous TV and film roles, including the sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond and, most excitingly, was the voice of Hulk Hogan in the 80s cartoon series Hulk Hogan’s Rock’n’Wrestling (NB this may not have been all that exciting to Becky). Why the Hulkster couldn’t do his own voice for the show is a mystery.
Cirque du Soleil: Ka – not a tribute to Ford’s ever-popular small city vehicle, but a show based on ”the duality of Kà, the fire that can unite or separate, destroy or illuminate.” Ka boasts floating stages in the form of giant moving platforms and lifts, and features automation, pyrotechnics and puppetry as well as the usual CDS acrobatics and martial arts-style choreography.
Unfortunately, due to a fatal accident involving one of the performers during the finale in 2013, the entire ending (a ‘final battle’) has been replaced with a CGI video. Cue an avalanche of 1-star reviews. It’s health and safety gone mad!
Restaurants/attractions:
Hakkasan - on a Sunday night we came back to the hotel at around midnight to find hundreds of immodestly-dressed, annoyingly young-looking folks queuing up to get into Hakkasan nightclub. This made us feel very old.
Joel Robuchon – 3 Michelin stars. Fantastically expensive. Even Paris doesn’t have a place of his like this. Turncoat.
L’Atelier de Joel Robuchon – A smaller restaurant from the same chap, for less important people. Still has one Star though. Atelier means loft. It’s his actual loft, obviously. Part of a chain of eight gourmet restaurants stretching from Paris to London and Tokyo.
David Copperfield – the peculiar-looking magician and former fiancé of (but, strangely, never the husband of) Claudia Schiffer is still doing residencies here. Advertises his current show as ‘an intimate evening of grand illusion’. His website also advertises Musha Cay, his private island resort in the Bahamas (the most luxurious in the world, it says here), so perhaps the magic thing isn’t paying as well as it used to.
CSI: The Experience – love watching gruesome crime scenes on the CSI franchise’s plethora of TV shows but wish you could experience the guts, gore and grim, unrelenting misery first-hand? Then this is the interactive attraction for you!
Wolfgang Puck – he reinvents American bar and grill food with approachable fine dining, according to his website anyway. Prime burger with Vermont cheddar and onion marmalade, with truffled potato chips on the side? Don’t mind if we do.
MGM Grand Garden Arena – Seats up to 16,800 people, and plays host to concerts, championship boxing and premier sporting and special events. Last month it had Ultimate Fighting Championships, the latest Floyd Mayweather superfight and a mini music festival including Taylor Swift, Coldplay, Ed Sheeran, 50 Cent and Motley Crue, although sadly not all at the same time.
Opened: October 15, 1998
Cost to build: $1.6 billion
Rooms: 3,950
Total gaming space: 10,800 sq m
Slot machines: 2400+
The Bellagio is inspired by the Italian town of the same name in the Lombardy region, aka “the pearl of Lake Como”, with Alpine views to the North. There are probably some statistics as to how many people have visited the hotel in comparison to the town, but we couldn’t be bothered to find them.
Lake Como has an area of 146 km2 and at over 400 metres in depth is one of the deepest lakes in Europe as well as one of the most beautiful. Famous types who own or have owned some of the many sumptuous villas dotting its shores include Madonna, George Clooney, Gianni Versace, Richard Branson and Sly Stallone.
The Vegas version meanwhile boasts its own man-made lake between the buildings and the Strip, which is slightly smaller at 8 acres in area. Mind you, artificial lakes do have other advantages, and certainly Lake Como must be very jealous of the Fountains of Bellagio - a vast choreographed water feature with performances set to light and music, which take place every 15–30 minutes and are completely free.
Various pieces of music are used to soundtrack the show, so anybody wishing to propose will either need to suss out the song schedule in advance or else rely on sheer luck. Fortunately for him, Ben proposed just after Frank Sinatra had finished crooning Luck Be A Lady. When we watched them an hour or so later from the top of the Eiffel Tower (see Paris), Celine Dion was wailing out My Heart Will Go On. Sometimes in Vegas, the cards do fall right.
The fully story of Ben’s proposal to Becky - on the terrace of Picasso restaurant, after a delicious Michelin-starred meal - is on our wedding website. If you’ve not read it, shame on you.
Obviously the Bellagio was chosen as the top table for its significance to Ben and Becky, but also to reflect the obvious class and sophistication of its occupants. Or alternatively, you’re here by default because tradition dictates it. We’ll leave you to decide which.
Permanent shows:
Cirque du Soliel: O – O is the only Cirque du Soleil show in Vegas which has an aquatic theme. Presumably the name is a rather weak play on the French ‘Eau’, or maybe it’s meant to be a bit saucy. Featuring world-class acrobats, synchronized swimmers and divers performing on, in and above water, it certainly sounds different. It’s also “inspired by the concept of infinity and the elegance of water's pure form”. Steady on - it’s only a liquid.
Reviews are almost universally positive, including from people who haven’t even seen it such as Liam Abraham Millan Guzman in Mexico: “I love this cirque I want to see "O" but I dont can because the money are very small :`( is my dream see 1 cirque du soleil”. Somebody set up a Just Giving page for this man NOW.
Restaurants/attractions:
Picasso – Maybe the only restaurant in the world where the patrons might spend more time walking around admiring the $100 million-worth of fine art (yes, they are real Pablo Picassos) on the walls rather than what’s on their tables – although neglecting Chef Julian Serrano’s 2 Michelin starred- food, French with a little bit of Spanish molecular gastronomy thrown in, would be foolish. The pictures, though, certainly put the current food blogger vogue for taking arty-farty photos of your plate into perspective.
The restaurant is featured prominently in Ocean’s Eleven, in the scenes where George Clooney (him again) persuades Julia Roberts to dump her filthy rich gangster husband for his petty crook character, basically just because he is George Clooney and therefore unfeasibly handsome. Damn him.
Bellagio Gallery of Fine Art – if the numerous works of art dotted around the resort weren’t enough, this special exhibition space displays on-loan works from museums and private collections the world over.
Conservatory and botanical gardens – probably the busiest, least tranquil botanical gardens in the world.
The Bank Nightclub – in theory a nightclub in the Bellagio should be very genteel. In practice, God only knows.
Le Cirque – a one Michelin starred French restaurant. We didn’t bother with this – only two-star eateries for us, don’t you know.
Michael Mina - ditto
Jean Philippe Patisserie – incredible-looking cakes and pastries, but the real draw is the World’s Largest Chocolate Fountain~! *drools*
Bonus fact (1): Inside Bellagio, Dale Chihuly's Fiori di Como, composed of over 2,000 hand-blown glass flowers, covers 2,000 sq ft (190 m2) of the lobby ceiling.
Bonus fact (2): Many pro poker players enjoy playing at the Bellagio poker room because of its high table limits, calling it ‘the office’.
Opened: September 1st, 1999 (by Catherine Deneuve, obviously)
Cost to build: $760 million
Rooms: 2916
Gaming space: 7,900 sq m
Slot machines: 1700+
With its huge sign in the shape of a Montgolfier balloon and 165m-tall half-scale replica Eiffel Tower, it’s hard to miss Vegas’s mini-me version of the City of Love. The Tower was originally conceived as a full-sized copy, but had to be shrunk due to its proximity to McCarran airport (which sits literally right at the Southern end of the Las Vegas Strip).
Paris also boasts the self-styled “most picturesque casino floor in Las Vegas”, set as it is alongside Parisian streetscapes, fountains and statues and beneath the massive legs of the faux Tour Eiffel.
Becky and Ben went up the Tower just after Ben proposed. Someone asked us whether we were engaged, seemingly out of the blue. Our faces must have been radiating sheer unadulterated happiness. Makes you sick, doesn’t it?
If you’re sitting on chic, sophisticated Paris table it’s because you are possessors of that certain je-ne-sais-quoi. Literally. We haven’t got a clue how to describe you.
Permanent shows:
Jersey Boys – The self-importantly-named Theatre des Arts currently plays host to this popular jukebox musical. With its evocative recreations of both working class Italian-American street life and fantastic 60s pop music, Jersey Boys has absolutely nothing to do with Paris whatsoever. Ironically, Paris is one of the few Strip hotels not to play host to a Cirque du Soleil show. Maybe the hotel owners thought they had more than enough French-sounding stuff to be getting on with.
The Theatre des Arts has hosted numerous musicals and shows over the years. The Producers opened in Jan 2007 with David Hasselhoff as one of the leads – however, he had to leave as he kept going walkabout and missing shows. Letting the Hoff loose in Vegas – how could it have gone so wrong?
Signature attractions:
Eiffel Tower Experience – The observation deck gives you 360 degree views of the city and prime views of the Bellagio fountains from a loftier perspective. The 11th floor restaurant is a bit lower down. A popular spot for weddings, but luckily for all of you we resisted the urge to get married on the spot in Vegas and have invited you here today instead, and painted pretty pictures of Vegas in words. You’re welcome.
Gordon Ramsey Steak – Although not remotely Gallic to our knowledge, with his surly demeanour and love of expletives, Ramsey probably qualifies as an honorary Frenchman.
Château nightclub – Apparently the only major club in Vegas you can access directly from the Strip without having to walk through a casino, but where’s the fun in that eh? Also the only Vegas club with rooftop gardens. No walking/vomiting/ copulating on the grass, s’il vous plait.
Le Centrale/Le Cabaret – French themed casino floor-level bars. You can hear the tunes from the Cabaret while strolling around the casino floor, a nice touch.
Napoleon’s– a piano bar and lounge in the classic Vegas style, which features a staple of Vegas nightlife, a duelling piano show. The pianos don’t really fight each other, although during some of the more forced banter between the pianists, you might wish they did.
Anthony Cools – The longest-running hypnotist show in Las Vegas, this sounds like the standard routine of humiliation, embarrassment and degradation of susceptible volunteers. Paul McKenna without the boring self-help angle, in other words.
Soleil pool – Paris’s pool sounds different to most others – a 2-acre rooftop pool with direct views of the ubiquitous Tower and other nearby Strip landmarks.
Things the real Paris has that Paris, Vegas doesn’t:
Les Champs Elysees
Les 20-Euro cups of coffee aux Champs Elysees
Le Metro
La Seine
Le Statue of Liberty (although there’s one down the road – see New York New York)
Les bateaux mouches
Où est le Centre Pompidou?
Le Louvre
La Moulin Rouge (surely Paris, Vegas is missing a trick here, n’est-ce pas?)
Random hippies hanging around Jim Morrison’s grave
Surly locals who reply to you in English when you’re trying to practise your French
Opened: 1966
Cost to build: $25 million (money was cheaper in those days)
Rooms: 3960
Gaming space: 15,442 sq m
Slot machines: 1500+
Caesars Palace of course has a Roman theme, with a suitably decadent facade and towers with names like Augustus, Octavius and Forum. In 1993 it famously played host to the boxing match between Riddick Bowe and Evander Holyfield during which an individual known as ‘Fan Man’ crashed into the ring on a powered paraglider and was welcomed by all with open arms and closed fists.
Ben and Becky spent a bit of time here wandering around the casino floor and taking in the Forum Shops, but didn’t stay long as we were annoyed that Elton John’s latest Million Dollar Piano show stint at the inevitably-named Colosseum theatre had ended a few days before. Note to Caesars: neither Celine Dion nor Shania Twain are acceptable substitutes.
If you’re seated at Caesars, it means you’re erudite, cultured and wise. Or so old that you can remember the last days of Ancient Rome. One of the two, certainly.
Permanent shows:
Matt Goss – yes, him out of Bros now has an arguably even more successful second act in his career as a slick lounge crooner performing many classic covers every night in The Gossy Room (really).
Absinthe – taking the Cirque du Soleil formula and upping the ante, Absinthe combines cabaret and acrobatics in a more intimate, outdoor marquee setting and turns the raciness up to 11. Reviews are almost uniformly excellent, which just goes to show that nobody ever lost money by underestimating the public’s thirst for smut.
Attractions:
Forum shops – known as ‘the shopping wonder of the world’, this is shopping centre as theme park, hundreds of luxury shops in a ridiculously opulent cartoon Roman setting. Also home to the Fall of Atlantis animatronic show and a 50,000-gallon aquarium, both of which we managed to miss. Furthermore, it boasts one of the world’s few spiral escalators, which in truth is not quite as exciting as it sounds.
Nobu – the famous Japanese brand has not just its own restaurant at Caesars but its own hotel tower. The only US Nobu to offer teppan tables – you know, those ones where the chef cooks the meal in front of you.
Restaurant Guy Savoy - Two Michelin starred. “The most fundamentally French restaurant in town”, according to the Guardian, which begs the question as to why it’s not in Paris across the road. He does have a restaurant in the real French capital though, which has 3 stars. Obviously his food doesn’t travel so well.
Mesa Grill – the only Vegas restaurant owned by nominative determinism’s very own celebrity chef Bobby Flay. His Deep South-influenced menu earned a Michelin star in 2008, which has since been lost, possibly behind the sofa.
Bacchanal buffet – buffets are as essential to the fabric of Las Vegas as slot machines and pool parties. This one is consistently rated the best, which is no surprise when it was created on a $100 million budget. Dishes to sample include fried chicken and waffles, red velvet pancakes, mini Wagyu sliders and Japanese curry, though possibly not all at the same time.
Gordon Ramsay pub – there’s Gordon in the publicity photos, staring moodily at the camera with a bulldog by his side, for this is apparently the most authentic English pub experience in Vegas. Years ago this would have meant wall-to-wall fag smoke, darts and sticky carpets, but nowadays presumably signifies artisanal craft beers, open-mic folk nights and burgers served on chopping boards. We miss plates.
Garden of the Gods pool oasis – 4.5 acre complex comprising six different pools. Fortuna offers swim-up blackjack, Bacchus is for VIPs only, and Venus apparently has topless ladies (and coincidentally charges for men to get in).
Fizz Las Vegas – a massive champagne lounge and bar owned by Elton John’s husband David Furnish. Artwork displayed is from Elton’s personal collection. Tantrums and tiaras optional.
Qua Baths and Spa – bills itself as the best in Vegas. Despite the Roman theme, probably no orgies allowed.
And finally, Caesars Magical Empire~! - Built in 1996 as part of Vegas’s drive to become more family-friendly, this was an immersive entertainment and dining experience, and a showcase for major magicians. Guests were taken via a ‘magical elevator’ down to ‘subterranean catacombs’, to be met by ‘Roman gladiators’ who ‘humourously’ got lost as they showed you the way around.
You then arrived at ‘Sanctorum Secorum’ to an audio-visual welcome from Caesar himself. Guests were then divided into smaller tables of 24 (10 tables, 240 per sitting) where waiters and magicians would interact with you. The whole thing was razed in 2002 when bosses realised that a huge concert venue would generate far more cash, so sadly we just missed out on seeing it by 13 years or so. Outrageous.
Opened: June 21, 1996
Cost to build: $344 million
No of rooms: 2992
Total gaming space: 9,500 sq m
Slot machines: 1400
Ben and Becky stayed at Monte Carlo for their first three nights in Las Vegas. They lost some money at the casino, watched some incredibly drunken tourists part with lots of money at the duelling piano show at the Pub, were startled by the Blue Man parade, enjoyed the pool area with its lazy river and waterfall, and even had a half-decent McDonalds breakfast.
The hotel is named to invoke the Place du Casino in Monte Carlo and features chandelier domes, marble floors, neoclassical arches, ornate fountains and gas-lit promenades. The shopping area is optimistically called the Street of Dreams and includes a Harley Davidson store full of more bike-related merchandise than you could ever imagine.
As of 2009, the Monte Carlo print advertising campaign features humorously misspelled French words ("tray sheek") coupled with glamorous images. The campaign's tagline is "Unpretentiously luxurious". Tsk, how pretentious.
The resort was built on the site of the old Dunes hotel, and was originally known as the “Grand Victoria”, which is how the French refer to the architecture of the England’s Victorian era, fact fans. However the top brass at the MGM Grand over the road weren’t happy about this, so it first got shortened to Victoria before they dropped that whole idea and went for the far more evocative Monte Carlo instead.
You’ve been placed at the Monte Carlo table because clearly you are a dashing, devil-may-care high-roller, or a massive tax evader. Or both.
Pemanent shows:
Blue Man Group - every Blue Man show is a bizarre melting pot of performance art, music, dance, special effects and audience-participation shenanigans, conducted by three mute bald men covered in blue paint. Ben saw one in London a few years ago, but the Vegas version is apparently turbo-charged with new technologies and innovative new ways of interacting with the spectators.
If the Blue Man parade – a daily procession through the casino floor prior to the show featuring something called the Percussipede, a musical centipede of percussion instruments – is anything to go by, the show will leave your ears ringing for weeks.
Attractions:
André’s – fine French dining with a 15,000-strong wine list, not to mention a Cigar and Cognac Lounge with one of the widest selections of after-dinner drinks in America.
Diablo’s Cantina – part Mexican restaurant, part bar, part club, and all-night wall of noise and inappropriate clothing. Also features the Wheel O’Sin, spun every half hour or so to determine which booze gets the best Happy Hour deals. We made our excuses and walked on past.
Brand Steakhouse – specialty dish: 120oz Ultimate Steak for Six. Or, as Americans call it, a modest appetizer.
Double Barrel Roadhouse – good ol’ American down and dirty restaurant and bar with live music and decidedly mixed reviews.
The Pub – we went to the The Pub on our first night, where the service wasn’t great either but at least the portions were hugely and reliably America. It was our first experience of a duelling piano show, which is where two old hams play cheesy versions of tunes both old and new and guests are encouraged to tip them for requests and/or to sing along. We weren’t even there that late and there were already wasted guests shoving hundreds of dollars into the tip boxes just for them to play their old college marching song. You know what they say about a fool and his money. Sadly, Vegas makes idiots of us all.
Minus 5˚ Ice bar – it’s a bar. Made of ice. You have to dress like an eskimo to get in. We didn’t go to this one, but Ben has been to the London equivalent. It was a bit nippy, and getting one’s wallet out was a struggle (not a euphemism).
Monte Carlo occupies a curious position in the Vegas Strip hierarchy, being neither a super-luxurious top-end establishment nor one of the really cheesy super-themed joints like Excalibur or Luxor (neither of which you will find at this wedding – we do have certain standards). The lack of more themed stuff is odd, as Monaco has plenty of stuff to choose from, although obviously Vegas has it’s other best-known attractions – ie casinos – fairly well covered.
Still, they could have done some kind of Grand Prix theme, Monaco being home to not just the annual race but also many of the multimillionaire drivers, who move there in order to avoid the pesky inconvenience of paying any tax.
There are also things called Monte Carlo methods – a broad class of computational algorithms that rely on repeated random sampling to obtain numerical results. Typically one runs simulations many times over in order to obtain the distribution of unknown probabilistic entitiezzzz.... Sorry, we’re even boring ourselves now.
Opened: Jan 3rd 1997
Cost to build: $460 million
Rooms: 2024
Gaming space: 7800 sq m
Slot machines: 1500+
New York-New York goes for broke when it comes to its theme, from the facade built to resemble the 1940s-era Big Apple skyline to the hotel towers configured to resemble iconic skyscrapers such as the Empire State and Chrysler buildings. Dotted around the frontage are replicas of the Statue of Liberty, Soldiers and Sailors Monument, the main immigration building at Ellis Island and the Grand Central terminal, as well as lots of cool old billboards. Sadly half of this was a building site during our stay, but you can’t win them all.
The casino area is known as Central Park, with the various fast food joints and small shops laid out like blocks of Greenwich Village. Ben and Becky found the interior to be almost impossible to navigate around, which is all part of the hotel designers’ plan to stop you leaving and encourage you to burn through all your cash on the slots and tables instead.
There used to be a 9/11 memorial, to which people sent in tributes and memorabilia and everything, which seems well-intentioned but, er, surely to the wrong city. It’s not there anymore - they took it down to expand the casino. Priorities, people!
You’re sat at New York, New York, so you’re likely to be a brash, straight-talkin’, ultra-successful kinda guy/gal. Or maybe just a bit fruity (y’know, like an apple).
Permanent shows:
Zumanity – This cabaret-style Cirque du Soleil show sees the company throwing off all its inhibitions and embracing the seamier side of Vegas. Zumanity is strictly for over 18s, as the website promises various circus acts such as ‘2 Men’, ‘Orgy’ and ‘Midnight Bath’, and some quite racy photos. But it did get through Ben’s office’s internet smut filter, so we’ll leave you to decide how saucy it actually is.
Attractions:
Big Apple Coaster – NY-NY is the only hotel on the lower Strip to have its own rollercoaster. It used to be called the Manhattan Express, but as the trains look like NY’s yellow cabs this was probably deemed too confusing. The coaster broke down while we were in the queue and arguing about the cost of engagement rings, so it was probably Ben’s fault.
Coney Island Emporium – a proper old school gaming arcade. All machines are ticket-operated and include the likes of crane grabbers and coin droppers as well as video games old and new. Not a video poker or slot machine in sight, which is very unusual for Vegas. Travelling fairground folk not included.
Hershey’s Chocolate World – a recently opened two-storey, 13,000 square-foot temple to the bitter American chocolate that’s never taken off over here. You can buy a ‘World’s largest’ Hershey bar for $50. Er, how about no. But wait - they actually own Reese’s of peanut butter cup fame too? THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.
Nine Fine Irishmen – An Irish pub. The in-no-way stereotypical entertainment includes a house band playing wild electric jigs, reels and classic singalongs, accompanied by traditional Irish dance. The titular gentlemen were a bunch of 1850s Irish Nationalists who were exiled after unsuccessfully fighting or independence, whose history is encapsulated in a song which you can hear on the pub’s website. Sadly, The Pogues it ain’t.
Gallagher’s Steak House – does what it says on the tin.
Il Fornaio – New York-style Italian restaurant. You might imagine it would full of colourful Sopranos-style characters, but obviously Vegas has no connection with organised crime whatsoever, so...
Nathan’s Famous Hot Dogs – what do you mean, you’ve never heard of them?
Coyote Ugly – a bar inspired by the eponymous movie, ‘featuring lady bartenders showcasing their artistic pouring techniques’. Which is one way of putting it.
Stuff from the real New York that’s not in the Vegas version:
Chinatown
Little Italy (although it’s being taken over by Chinatown as we speak)
Brooklyn hipsters and their macrobiotic record labels
Rockefeller Center ice rink
Madison Square Garden (or any other garden)
New Year in Times Square where they drop a ball at midnight, for some reason
The diner from that scene in When Harry Met Sally. You know the one we mean.
Bonus Wikipedia factoid:
A US Post Office Statue of Liberty Stamp, which was intended to show the actual Lady in New York Harbor, instead shows the replica from New York-New York due to stamp designers incorrectly choosing a stock photo of the replica. Over 10.5 billion stamps had been printed before the error was noticed, by which point it could not be corrected. Well done everyone!
Opened: May 3rd 1999, amidst a flurry of white doves, and Sophia Loren christening the first gondola (obviously)
Cost to build: $1.5 billion
Rooms: 4049 (including the Palazzo resort)
Total gaming space: 11,000 sq m
Slot machines: 2,200+
Built on the site of the old Sands resort, the Venetian largely succeeds in radiating an aura of classy sophistication, which is easier said than done in Las Vegas. Together with the adjacent Sands Expo Convention Center and Palazzo resort, it forms part of the largest five-diamond hotel and resort complex in the world.
The site offers pretty decent approximations of all the main features of the ever-popular Italian lagoon-city – the Doge’s Palace, the Lion of Venice column, the Campanile (bell tower) and the Rialto bridge. Although indoors, their version of St Mark’s Square (part of the Grand Canal Shoppes complex) does look remarkably light and airy, although far less susceptible to flooding than the real thing obviously.
Ben and Becky came here on the afternoon before Ben proposed. He didn’t enjoy it as much as he should have done because he was so nervous, the fool. Our indoor gondola ride– complete with hammy, all-singing gondolier – was fun. The outdoor gondolas would have been better, but were booked up for hours on end.
Being at the Venetian table makes you a cosmopolitan, seafaring bon viveur. Congratulations. (Actually, we’re just trying to flatter you. But you can pretend.)
Permanent shows:
Georgia on My Mind – a Ray Charles tribute show. Not starring Jamie Foxx.
Lipschtick – female comedy showcase at the Sands Showroom. ‘A category 5 tornado of hilarity.’ We’ll take their word for it.
Panda! – A Chinese version of Cirque du Soleil, by the sounds of it. Follows “the heroic quest of LongLong on an adventurous mission to rescue his beloved Peacock Princess from the malicious Demon Vulture”. Obviously not based on a true events – a real panda would probably say good riddance if his missus was kidnapped, as he wouldn’t have to bother with all that tedious procreation business.
Rock of Ages – Vegas-based production of the popular 80s soft rock jukebox musical, featuring big hair, big choruses and exceedingly tight trousers.
Smokey Robinson presents Human Nature: The Motown Show – A Motown tribute show with a modern twist. NB those expecting Mr Robinson to appear every night may be disappointed.
Attractions:
Grand Canal Shoppes – A 42,000 square metre luxury mall with over 100 stores including a flagship branch of Barneys New York. Featuring the aforementioned indoor gondolas, which float under bridges down to the replica St Mark’s Square and back.
The restaurant row area features fine dining establishments such as AquaKnox (seafood, complete with raw bar), B&B Ristorante (Italian, co-owned by Mario Batali), Delmonico Steakhouse (specialty: chicken-for-two carved tableside), V Bar (Vegas’s first ‘ultra lounge’, whatever that is) and, er, Public House (it’s a pub).
Many of the other eating establishments dotted around the Venetian’s sprawling floors have suitably latin-sounding names, eg Canaletto, Carnevino and Postrio, the latter sitting on St Mark’s Square and owned by Wolfgang Puck, whose establishments seem to pop up everywhere.
Madame Tussauds – Vegas’s outpost of the popular waxy celebrity sort-of lookalikes attraction features a Viva Las Vegas room, complete with iconic figures from the city’s history such as Elvis, the Rat Pack, Liberace, and prominent members of the Italian-American organized crime community (not really).
TAO nightclub – in 2010 this place was second only to the XS Club at The Wynn in revenue, trousering over $60 million. An Asian-inspired theme, including an infinity edge pool stocked with koi. The TAO Beach day club and pool party is on the roof.
Carnevale – the Venetian’s own homage to traditional summer-long celebrations of food, wine, art, fashion and other such Italian archetypes, the earliest recorded instances of which date from the 12th century - although they probably didn’t include nightly 3D projection shows on the village clock tower.
As an aside, the Venetian had to pay $1 million penalty in 2004 to settle a Gambling Control Board complaint, and in 2013 agreed to a payment of $47.4 million to the Department of Justice to settle charges over alleged money laundering activities. Viva Las Vegas!
Stuff from the real Venice that isn’t in the Venetian:
The smell. Oh God, the smell.
Looky-looky men on every corner trying to sell you useless knick-knacks.
Most of the city’s 700-odd bridges.
Murano glassware.
The Lido (to be fair, the pool here is probably better).
The ubiquitous signs pointing you in the direction of San Marco and the Rialto. Not that we would have gotten lost without them, oh no.
Finally, here's a table that we didn't eventually use once final numbers were confirmed:
Opened: October 27, 1993
Cost to build: $450 million
Rooms: 2884
Gaming space: 8800 sq m
Slot machines: 2100+
TI,
aka Treasure Island, was originally a family-oriented resort with whimsical
pirate features such as a skull-and-crossbones marquee and pirate battles staged
nightly in ‘Buccaneer Bay’. In 2003, however, they chose to follow the general
Vegas trend to focus on more adult amenities and services. Out went the original
arcade and kid-friendly pool areas, in came a 25-person hot tub and many, many pool
parties. Meanwhile, the old skull and crossbones signage was replaced by the
flashier-looking new TI logo.
Becky
and Ben went here to see Cirque du Soleil – Mystere. The queue for the theatre
was massive. Everyone had assigned seats, so what was the problem? We got
fantastically unhealthy Ben and Jerry’s ice creams while we waited.
Before
that, we caught the (in)famous Sirens of TI free outdoor show. Any doubts regarding
which audience TI was now playing to were quickly extinguished by this
thoroughly bizarre spectacle, as a troupe of insufficiently-clad ladies pranced
and lip-synched badly to a vaguely-plotted story of some evil sirens leading a pirate
crew astray. The male pirates were all buff and oiled-up too, if you enjoy that
sort of thing.
BUT
– on October 21 last year, not long after we left, the show closed to make room
for a new multi-level shopping and entertainment mall, and has now been removed
from the website altogether. What happened to the ‘actors’ remains unclear, but
in a town full of strip clubs and pool parties it’s unlikely they were out of
employment for long.
Yes,
if you’ve not realised it by now, you’ve been placed on the youngest, grooviest
table. Congratulations! Such classifications are, of course, always relative.
Permanent
shows:
Mystere – this was the
original Cirque du Soleil show in Las Vegas, and has been voted the city’s Best
Production Show nine times. Although perhaps not as groundbreaking as some of
the newer shows, we can thoroughly recommend its mix of odd comedy, audience
interaction, high-flying choreography and impressive feats of strength, all
staged in a multilevel space that twists and turns as the show progresses.
Bonus fact: TI is now only
hotel on the Strip hosting a Cirque du Soleil show that isn’t owned by the MGM
International group.
Treasure Island theatre – a more intimate
venue which plays host to comedy and stuff. Those scheduled to appear in the
coming months include Bill Cosby, Whoopi Goldberg, and other less famous people.
Signature
attractions:
Gilley’s Saloon, Dance Hall and
Bar-B-Que
- judging from the unsubtle website photos, this country and western-themed bar
is a slightly more upscale version of Hooters. Features good ol’ BBQ food, live
music, a mechanical bull, with service provided with a wink and a smile by the
‘Gilley Girls’.
Senor Frog’s restaurant and bar looks
equally classy, judging by its lurid website. It’s ‘the only place on the Strip
dedicated to those looking to be adventurous and experience authentic Mexican
hospitality and party atmosphere’. It’s key event is a Thursday night bikini
contest though, which doesn’t sound uniquely Mexican to us.
Kahunaville– a poolside party
bar where ‘the party never stops!’. Offers a No Shower Happy Hour, which sounds
fairly stinky in all honesty, as well as flair bartenders (ie show-off
bartenders) and various live entertainments.
Breeze bar, Mojito bar,
Margarita bar –
you may have spotted a theme here. Lots of bars, lots of booze, the promise of
lots of drunken young men and women. We of course were far too old for all that
malarkey.
Dining options include Phil’s Italian Steak House, Seafood Shack, the Buffet, Pho (Vietnamese),
Pizzeria Francesco’s and Little Richie’s (Chicago style beef and
hot dogs). So no fine dining here, but no pretentions either.
In
truth, TI seems to know its audience. Its website and marketing are coherent
and well-designed, and it’s carved itself a niche somewhere between the very tacky
likes of the Luxor and Excalibur resorts (which are Egyptian and Camelot-themed
respectively) and those with (veneers of) class and sophistication like the Venetian, Caesars or the Bellagio
(which you can also find at this wedding). And with the Sirens show no more,
the last vestiges of the old piratical theme have gone. Arrrrrr well...
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