World Cup! World Cup!
Can it really be four years since the carnival of football that was the Brazil 2014 World Cup extravaganza? (Yes.) That tournament will be remembered for a cracking group stage full of expansive, attacking football that petered out - with one hilarious exception - into a mealy-mouthed defence-fest during the knockout stages. This negative trend continued into the newly-expanded Euros, whose new faces weren't good enough to play on the front foot but could shut up shop well enough to frustrate the decent teams (and England) and bore the arse off neutral spectators.
So what will Russia 2018 bring, besides unprecedented corruption levels? (lol jk) The change in draw format to divide the pots by ranking has largely done away with the usual Group of Death/Big Team Cakewalk scenario, and with some intriguing debutants and a few absent stalwarts (ItaLOL, the NetherLOLs, the US of lAme, etc) we might get a bit more balance and/or novelty value.
Here come the group previews!
We all know that bots from Russia are monitoring every word written on the internet, therefore all I'll say is that it's funny how the hosts have miraculously been drawn in the easiest possible group, and that [REDACTED. Nyet chance, you capitalist lickspittle. Any more of this and we will order Comrade Milne to dispose of you forthwith.]
In fairness, serial Africa Cup of Nations/Nations Cup/Trophy-thing winners Egypt possess one obvious danger. Mo Salah has had the most ridiculous free-scoring season at Liverpool, but what condition will his shoulder be in after Sergio Ramos's "robust" challenge in the Champions League final? Rumours that supervillain Ramos was seen collecting a brown envelope from a bloke in a bearskin hat are entirely made up by me, but still make you think, eh? Liverpool turned to absolute muck in Kiev once Mo trudged off, so one can only imagine how the Egyptians will fare if his fitness is anything less than tippety-top.
As fate would have it, Luis "Nibbles" Suarez, whose goal-plundering exploits for the loveable Scousers Salah has now eclipsed, finds himself in the same group. Suarez could provide useful counsel to Mo after somehow* dragging a very ordinary Uruguay side into the knockout stages last time out despite being half-crocked. True, they were then dumped out by the Colombians, although they pipped the latter and Argentina into second place in a very tight CONMEBOL qualifying group. Another second-round elimination, this time at the hands of an Iberian nation, awaits.
* Aided by Roy Hodgson fielding a lumbering Steven Gerrard in a two-man midfield. Cheers Roy.
Saudi Arabia have just started opening up their society a bit, and are offering lots more live entertainment to their youthful populace, including a recent WWE extravaganza which went on for about 10 hours despite none of the female wrestlers being allowed to take part. Baby steps, I guess. Whether this new wealth of leisure options will have a negative effect on their football team is a moot point, as they've only qualified four times in total, missed out in 2010 and 2014, and reached the knockout stages precisely once. They're just happy to be here, Clive (well, the men are anyway.)
Never mind the Mediterranean flavour - Group B hums with the intoxicating aroma of Wolverhampton.
Us Wolves fans are more or less honorary Portuguese at this point thanks to Uncle Jorge Mendes and his little black book of connections. If Portugal can afford to leave Ivan Cavaleiro, Diego Jota, Helder Costa and even the god-like Ruben Neves at home and overlook the supreme managerial skillz of Nuno then just think how amazeballs their squad must be! Unfortunately, the cards all fell perfectly for them at the 2016 Euros and even a herculean effort from the slim Ronaldo is unlikely to deliver them a second straight major trophy.
The Wolves thread through Group B doesn't stop there: in the summer of 2016, our prospective new Chinese overlords Fosun were all set to appoint Julen Lopetegui as their new manager. Sadly the takeover process took so long that Spain came a-calling, and our Jules made what was obviously a rash decision. He's kept his chin up though and made such a decent fist of the job that the Spaniards are unbeaten under his tenure. And what with a squad still chock-full of quality and household names (was going to do a mean-spirited Iago Aspas joke here, but apparently even he is now good) they are one of the tournament favourites AGAIN. It's still hard to reconcile 21st century Spain with the endlessly overhyped, underachieving wastrels of my youth, but England have certainly taken the latter baton and run with it. While stepping outside the lane and fumbling every changeover, obvs.
Then we have Morocco, who boast Wolves midfield dynamo Roman Saiss in their ranks, although he plays as a centre-back for his country. He'll be glad not to be facing his superior partner Neves, at least. The "Lions of the Atlas" haven't qualified for the last three finals and have only won two matches in total - in France '98 against Scotland (obviously) and in in Mexico '86 against... Portugal! Will lightning strike twice? (No.)
Finally, the similarities between Wolves and Iran are endless... oh okay, there's no connection at all. Moving on.
This will only be Denmark's fifth World Cup finals, which is a surprise to me. Remarkably Nicklas Bendtner was still in the provisional squad, as was Dennis Rommedahl who played for Charlton in the Premier League aeons ago and is pushing the big 4-0. Andreas Cornelius, who pulled up zero trees for Cardiff last time they "graced" the PL, does make the plane. On the bright side, Christian Eriksen's putting the Irish to the sword in the playoffs will give them some swagger, and second place in this group seems well within reach.
Peru boast few recognisable names besides Football Manager legend Jefferson Farfan, and qualified through a cakewalk playoff against New Zealand after just pipping Chile on goal difference in the group (they finished on +1, Chile -1). Captain Paolo Guerrero has only just returned from suspension after testing positive for the old Bolivian marching powder - unknowingly consumed in a cup of tea, he claims. Clearly South Americans have differing views on what makes a good cuppa. So the overall omens don't seem great. Still, Paddington 2 got fantastic reviews didn't it?
Australia were also condemned to the playoffs by the odd couple of goals, in this case by the Saudis. There they required extra time to just about squeak by war-ravaged Syria over two legs before having a slightly easier time against Honduras, with 87 year-old Mile Jedinak netting a hat trick in the home leg. Tim Cahill (pushing 100 now surely) is also in the squad. Surely a fair dinkum bet for an embarrassing nul points style exit, which couldn't happen to a nicer bunch of fellas!
France somehow contrived to mess up an open goal of a home Euros two years ago with a squad chock-full of big names - never mind losing to Portugal, they were very lucky to beat Germany in the semis IMHO. They've struggled through the qualifiers, and the suspicion is that former water-carrier extraordinaire Didier Deschamps isn't the right chef to make a coherent dish out of delectable attacking ingredients like Pogba, Dembele, Griezmann, Mbappe and co. Plenty of big names missed out too, so they really ought to be winning this thing. Handsome Ollie Giroud, a Deschamps favourite, does make the cut; the man who replaced him at Arsenal (who was in turn upgraded in the next window) does not. Make of that what you will.
Yet again, Argentina flattered to deceive in qualifying, trailing home 13 points behind Brazil and only sealing the deal on the final matchday thanks to a Lionel Messi hat-trick in Ecuador after their opponents had taken a first-minute lead. All their best players are attackers: Aguero, Di Maria, Dybala and obviously Senor Messi. Meanwhile their defenders are iffy at best and their first-choice keepers are Man Utd and Chelsea's bench-warmers. If you're looking for in-depth analysis of this modern, 'we don't need no steenking defence' phenomenon, you've come to the wrong place, so I'd suggest you go read something by a proper journalist like Jonathan Wilson or Michael Cox instead.
What with every man and his dog jizzing over Iceland's Euros performance and appropriating that bloody clap for themselves, it's worth remembering that (hot take alert~!) they're not actually very good. Even in the round of 16 they were pretty much guests at England's self-destruction party, and they were soundly demolished by the French in the quarters. Okay, so they topped their qualifying group ahead of Croatia and Ukraine, but essentially they're Sean Dyche's Burnley or (oh God) Neil Warnock's Cardiff with handsomer genes and geysers rather than geezers. Do you see what I did there?
As the twin dead hands of fate and Fifa would have it, Croatia have an immediate chance to extract revenge on the cod-botherers as they prepare to face off in Group D. Look at the respective squads and victory should be a no-brainer, but then the Blazers (as nobody knows them) have only won two group games since their memorable run to the semis in 1998 and Luka Modric has just been charged with perjury (WTF?), so they will doubtless balls it up again and allow the Icelandic Fairy Tale (TM) to interminably continue.
Nigeria always seem to qualify for the finals, and I've been stung before by predicting a deep run for them on this basis (statistically one African team is bound to do okay, right?) only to see them stink up the joint. This time around, considering their familiar names are EPL journeymen or unproven youngsters - John Obi Mikel, Victor Moses, Kelechi Iheanacho, Wilfred Ndidi, Odion Ighalo, Ahmed Musa - I'm calling it now: bottom of the group, nul points. What could go wrong?
Ah Brazil, best team in the world of all time ever and so forth, except for the inconvenient detail that they've not won the Big One for 16 years. And the whole epic meltdown four years ago thing. Let's be charitable and assume that the killer combo of unendurable hometown pressure and a crocked Neymar won't happen this time. They re-appointed Dunga for a bit of stability and then sensibly binned him for Tite, and results have picked up. I've not actually watched them play for the last 4 years because that would destroy this blog's cheerily ignorant USP, but surely they have a great chance? And I went to school with someone whose surname was Tite, if that helps.
Costa Rica somehow finished ahead of Italy, Uruguay and England last time out (the latter not quite so impressive a feat in retrospect). Drawing Brazil will give them flashbacks to the 5-2 tonking they suffered in the third group game back in 2002, which lead to them being pipped to second place by Turkey on goal difference. Gutted. They are the most successful Central American team in history though, standing tall above the footballing giants of Belize, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
Switzerland are masters of ranking manipulation by playing as few friendlies as possible, something which Wales are also good at (probably why Giggsy feels so at home in the manager's seat). As with Nigeria above, it feels like they've qualified for every tournament in recent memory and yet I can't recall them doing anything remotely interesting except a fluky win against Spain in the 2010 group stages. Frankly they are a waste of a spot and I look forward to seeing them crash and burn.
Some would say that Serbia's national characteristics are belligerence, bigotry and mindless aggression, but not me obviously. Perhaps surprisingly this is their first major tournament finals since 2010, where they beat Germany (which I'd completely forgotten about) but somehow contrived to lose to Ghana and Australia to finish bottom of that particular Group of Death. A decent squad full of familiar names, perennial dark horses... they're going to finish bottom again aren't they?
Jogi Luuuuurve has been in charge of Germany since 2006. Their major tournament record since then reads: 2008 - RU; 2010 - SF; 2012 - SF; 2014 - W; 2016 - SF. Mein Gott! And the winning goalscorer from 2014 hasn't even made the squad here. The only downside for Herr Loew is their recent wretched run of form, including a loss to Austria - a country they could once annexe with ease. But masterminding retaining the trophy for Die Mannschaft, which hasn't been done since Brazil in 1962, would place him firmly in the all-time GOAT conversation. It couldn't happen. Could it?
Neither South Korea, Mexico nor Sweden seem equipped to stop the Germans. The Koreans will always be remembered for their in-no-way-suspicious semi-final run on home turf, and of course Pak doo-Ik in 1966... oh wait, he was North Korean wasn't he? Ok, so it's bent refs in 2002 and one other round of 16 appearance in 2010. Slim pickings I'm afraid.
Since 1994, Mexico have always qualified and have always been beaten in the second round. Their conquerors: (deep breath) Bulgaria, Germany, USA, Argentina (x2) and the Netherlands. Come on lads, surely it's time for a change. Even if that means getting KOd at the group stage instead. Variety is the spice of life!
That the almighty Zlatan has declined to come out of international retirement for one last finals perhaps tells you all you need to know about the Swedes' chances. Their squad is a whole lot of blah, with those halcyon days when every Premier League club was required by law to field at least one Scandinavian because no other foreigners fancied playing over here seeming ever more distant.
Gareth Southgate has grudgingly been semi-accepted as a safe, dull pair of managerial hands, but then again so had Roy Hodgson and he still thought it a good idea to play an extinct Wayne Rooney at centre mid and allow our best striker to take all the corners. This England side now seems largely free of the Wazza-style superegos (Joe Hart's time has thankfully been called too) and also of any real excitement or expectation. Ideal conditions for a post-Novichok, post-Assad nerve gas boycott, you would think. Instead we can probably expect an agonizing second round loss by the odd goal courtesy of a John Stones howler, which will prompt thousands of keyboard warriors to deem him "shit", the tabloids to run all manner of spectacularly malicious hatchet jobs* and Danny Baker to tweet that things were far better in his day when players were paid tuppence ha'penny a month and were bloody well grateful for it.
* Although he is white, so maybe not.
Roberto Martinez received an inordinate amount of praise at Wigan and, initially, Everton for playing attacking football despite getting the former relegated. The schadenfreude of his second Everton season once he proved himself incapable of maintaining David Moyes's rock-solid foundations was delicious, so of course he has hired that legendary defensive guru Thierry Henry as his assistant for Belgium. Thing is, they have such an array of attacking talent, from the sublime stylings of Eden Hazard to the brute force of your Fellainis and Lukakus, that they'll surely stick at least a couple past us and top the group in spite of their coach.
England vs Tunisia brings back fond memories of our Monday lunchtime France 1998 opener, the BBC's broadcast of which opened with Des Lynam's immortal "Hi there. Shouldn't you be at work?" (No Des, because I'm a bone-idle student.) North Africa is well represented in these finals, but it's hard to see any of the three sides emulating their neighbour Algeria in 2014 and escaping their group.
Panama have never qualified for the finals before and boast literally no familiar names in their squad, and are therefore a throwback to the Good Old Days (TM) when there was hardly ever any football on the telly and the World Cup was a genuinely exotic, eye-opening event. Expect the media to fall back on a well-worn array of canal and hat-related puns, none of which I've broken out because I prefer to deal in palindromes: A man, a plan, a canal - Panama. Marvellous.
In Group H lies the true magic of the World Cup - where else would you have four such entirely disparate nations (and nicknames) playing each other?
Columbia (optimistically known as "Los Cafeteros"/"the Coffee Growers", as if it's legal cash crops their country ever brings to mind) have by far the best pedigree and arguably should have beaten Brazil last time out. They ought to finish top here, then maybe England await in round two - in which case who will they face in the quarters? Exciting times.
Poland ("the Eagles" and/or "the White and Reds") failed to get out of their group in 2002 and 2006 and haven't qualified for the last two finals. They are basically Robert Lewandowski, a couple of ex-Arsenal keepers and not much else on paper.
Japan ("the Samurai Blue") have qualified for every finals since 1998 and only twice reached the last 16. Nothing to see here.
Meanwhile Senegal ("the Lions of Teranga", wherever that is) could never have imagined after their dream 2002 run that it would take them 16 years to qualify again. They will be hoping that their squad of N'Doyes, Ndiayes and N'Diayes, plus more importantly Saido Mane, will be able to spring a surprise or two. With this draw, there's no reason why not.
Summary:
It would take a brave man to predict a winner from outside the usual clique of favourites/previous winners, and I'm nothing if not a total wuss so I'm plumping for Brazil on the basis that their next trophy is overdue. And how about Senegal for a dark horse tip at 200/1-ish? They are the Lions of Teranga, after all (this might shed some light on the Teranga thing). All I really know is that, however bad the football or the morality of the men in charge, nothing quite sets a football fan's heart a-beating like the World F'n Cup.
Bring it on!
So what will Russia 2018 bring, besides unprecedented corruption levels? (lol jk) The change in draw format to divide the pots by ranking has largely done away with the usual Group of Death/Big Team Cakewalk scenario, and with some intriguing debutants and a few absent stalwarts (ItaLOL, the NetherLOLs, the US of lAme, etc) we might get a bit more balance and/or novelty value.
Here come the group previews!
We all know that bots from Russia are monitoring every word written on the internet, therefore all I'll say is that it's funny how the hosts have miraculously been drawn in the easiest possible group, and that [REDACTED. Nyet chance, you capitalist lickspittle. Any more of this and we will order Comrade Milne to dispose of you forthwith.]
In fairness, serial Africa Cup of Nations/Nations Cup/Trophy-thing winners Egypt possess one obvious danger. Mo Salah has had the most ridiculous free-scoring season at Liverpool, but what condition will his shoulder be in after Sergio Ramos's "robust" challenge in the Champions League final? Rumours that supervillain Ramos was seen collecting a brown envelope from a bloke in a bearskin hat are entirely made up by me, but still make you think, eh? Liverpool turned to absolute muck in Kiev once Mo trudged off, so one can only imagine how the Egyptians will fare if his fitness is anything less than tippety-top.
As fate would have it, Luis "Nibbles" Suarez, whose goal-plundering exploits for the loveable Scousers Salah has now eclipsed, finds himself in the same group. Suarez could provide useful counsel to Mo after somehow* dragging a very ordinary Uruguay side into the knockout stages last time out despite being half-crocked. True, they were then dumped out by the Colombians, although they pipped the latter and Argentina into second place in a very tight CONMEBOL qualifying group. Another second-round elimination, this time at the hands of an Iberian nation, awaits.
* Aided by Roy Hodgson fielding a lumbering Steven Gerrard in a two-man midfield. Cheers Roy.
Saudi Arabia have just started opening up their society a bit, and are offering lots more live entertainment to their youthful populace, including a recent WWE extravaganza which went on for about 10 hours despite none of the female wrestlers being allowed to take part. Baby steps, I guess. Whether this new wealth of leisure options will have a negative effect on their football team is a moot point, as they've only qualified four times in total, missed out in 2010 and 2014, and reached the knockout stages precisely once. They're just happy to be here, Clive (well, the men are anyway.)
Never mind the Mediterranean flavour - Group B hums with the intoxicating aroma of Wolverhampton.
Us Wolves fans are more or less honorary Portuguese at this point thanks to Uncle Jorge Mendes and his little black book of connections. If Portugal can afford to leave Ivan Cavaleiro, Diego Jota, Helder Costa and even the god-like Ruben Neves at home and overlook the supreme managerial skillz of Nuno then just think how amazeballs their squad must be! Unfortunately, the cards all fell perfectly for them at the 2016 Euros and even a herculean effort from the slim Ronaldo is unlikely to deliver them a second straight major trophy.
The Wolves thread through Group B doesn't stop there: in the summer of 2016, our prospective new Chinese overlords Fosun were all set to appoint Julen Lopetegui as their new manager. Sadly the takeover process took so long that Spain came a-calling, and our Jules made what was obviously a rash decision. He's kept his chin up though and made such a decent fist of the job that the Spaniards are unbeaten under his tenure. And what with a squad still chock-full of quality and household names (was going to do a mean-spirited Iago Aspas joke here, but apparently even he is now good) they are one of the tournament favourites AGAIN. It's still hard to reconcile 21st century Spain with the endlessly overhyped, underachieving wastrels of my youth, but England have certainly taken the latter baton and run with it. While stepping outside the lane and fumbling every changeover, obvs.
Then we have Morocco, who boast Wolves midfield dynamo Roman Saiss in their ranks, although he plays as a centre-back for his country. He'll be glad not to be facing his superior partner Neves, at least. The "Lions of the Atlas" haven't qualified for the last three finals and have only won two matches in total - in France '98 against Scotland (obviously) and in in Mexico '86 against... Portugal! Will lightning strike twice? (No.)
Finally, the similarities between Wolves and Iran are endless... oh okay, there's no connection at all. Moving on.
France somehow contrived to mess up an open goal of a home Euros two years ago with a squad chock-full of big names - never mind losing to Portugal, they were very lucky to beat Germany in the semis IMHO. They've struggled through the qualifiers, and the suspicion is that former water-carrier extraordinaire Didier Deschamps isn't the right chef to make a coherent dish out of delectable attacking ingredients like Pogba, Dembele, Griezmann, Mbappe and co. Plenty of big names missed out too, so they really ought to be winning this thing. Handsome Ollie Giroud, a Deschamps favourite, does make the cut; the man who replaced him at Arsenal (who was in turn upgraded in the next window) does not. Make of that what you will.
What with every man and his dog jizzing over Iceland's Euros performance and appropriating that bloody clap for themselves, it's worth remembering that (hot take alert~!) they're not actually very good. Even in the round of 16 they were pretty much guests at England's self-destruction party, and they were soundly demolished by the French in the quarters. Okay, so they topped their qualifying group ahead of Croatia and Ukraine, but essentially they're Sean Dyche's Burnley or (oh God) Neil Warnock's Cardiff with handsomer genes and geysers rather than geezers. Do you see what I did there?
As the twin dead hands of fate and Fifa would have it, Croatia have an immediate chance to extract revenge on the cod-botherers as they prepare to face off in Group D. Look at the respective squads and victory should be a no-brainer, but then the Blazers (as nobody knows them) have only won two group games since their memorable run to the semis in 1998 and Luka Modric has just been charged with perjury (WTF?), so they will doubtless balls it up again and allow the Icelandic Fairy Tale (TM) to interminably continue.
Nigeria always seem to qualify for the finals, and I've been stung before by predicting a deep run for them on this basis (statistically one African team is bound to do okay, right?) only to see them stink up the joint. This time around, considering their familiar names are EPL journeymen or unproven youngsters - John Obi Mikel, Victor Moses, Kelechi Iheanacho, Wilfred Ndidi, Odion Ighalo, Ahmed Musa - I'm calling it now: bottom of the group, nul points. What could go wrong?
Ah Brazil, best team in the world of all time ever and so forth, except for the inconvenient detail that they've not won the Big One for 16 years. And the whole epic meltdown four years ago thing. Let's be charitable and assume that the killer combo of unendurable hometown pressure and a crocked Neymar won't happen this time. They re-appointed Dunga for a bit of stability and then sensibly binned him for Tite, and results have picked up. I've not actually watched them play for the last 4 years because that would destroy this blog's cheerily ignorant USP, but surely they have a great chance? And I went to school with someone whose surname was Tite, if that helps.
Costa Rica somehow finished ahead of Italy, Uruguay and England last time out (the latter not quite so impressive a feat in retrospect). Drawing Brazil will give them flashbacks to the 5-2 tonking they suffered in the third group game back in 2002, which lead to them being pipped to second place by Turkey on goal difference. Gutted. They are the most successful Central American team in history though, standing tall above the footballing giants of Belize, El Salvador and Nicaragua.
Switzerland are masters of ranking manipulation by playing as few friendlies as possible, something which Wales are also good at (probably why Giggsy feels so at home in the manager's seat). As with Nigeria above, it feels like they've qualified for every tournament in recent memory and yet I can't recall them doing anything remotely interesting except a fluky win against Spain in the 2010 group stages. Frankly they are a waste of a spot and I look forward to seeing them crash and burn.
Some would say that Serbia's national characteristics are belligerence, bigotry and mindless aggression, but not me obviously. Perhaps surprisingly this is their first major tournament finals since 2010, where they beat Germany (which I'd completely forgotten about) but somehow contrived to lose to Ghana and Australia to finish bottom of that particular Group of Death. A decent squad full of familiar names, perennial dark horses... they're going to finish bottom again aren't they?
Jogi Luuuuurve has been in charge of Germany since 2006. Their major tournament record since then reads: 2008 - RU; 2010 - SF; 2012 - SF; 2014 - W; 2016 - SF. Mein Gott! And the winning goalscorer from 2014 hasn't even made the squad here. The only downside for Herr Loew is their recent wretched run of form, including a loss to Austria - a country they could once annexe with ease. But masterminding retaining the trophy for Die Mannschaft, which hasn't been done since Brazil in 1962, would place him firmly in the all-time GOAT conversation. It couldn't happen. Could it?
Neither South Korea, Mexico nor Sweden seem equipped to stop the Germans. The Koreans will always be remembered for their in-no-way-suspicious semi-final run on home turf, and of course Pak doo-Ik in 1966... oh wait, he was North Korean wasn't he? Ok, so it's bent refs in 2002 and one other round of 16 appearance in 2010. Slim pickings I'm afraid.
Since 1994, Mexico have always qualified and have always been beaten in the second round. Their conquerors: (deep breath) Bulgaria, Germany, USA, Argentina (x2) and the Netherlands. Come on lads, surely it's time for a change. Even if that means getting KOd at the group stage instead. Variety is the spice of life!
That the almighty Zlatan has declined to come out of international retirement for one last finals perhaps tells you all you need to know about the Swedes' chances. Their squad is a whole lot of blah, with those halcyon days when every Premier League club was required by law to field at least one Scandinavian because no other foreigners fancied playing over here seeming ever more distant.
Gareth Southgate has grudgingly been semi-accepted as a safe, dull pair of managerial hands, but then again so had Roy Hodgson and he still thought it a good idea to play an extinct Wayne Rooney at centre mid and allow our best striker to take all the corners. This England side now seems largely free of the Wazza-style superegos (Joe Hart's time has thankfully been called too) and also of any real excitement or expectation. Ideal conditions for a post-Novichok, post-Assad nerve gas boycott, you would think. Instead we can probably expect an agonizing second round loss by the odd goal courtesy of a John Stones howler, which will prompt thousands of keyboard warriors to deem him "shit", the tabloids to run all manner of spectacularly malicious hatchet jobs* and Danny Baker to tweet that things were far better in his day when players were paid tuppence ha'penny a month and were bloody well grateful for it.
* Although he is white, so maybe not.
Roberto Martinez received an inordinate amount of praise at Wigan and, initially, Everton for playing attacking football despite getting the former relegated. The schadenfreude of his second Everton season once he proved himself incapable of maintaining David Moyes's rock-solid foundations was delicious, so of course he has hired that legendary defensive guru Thierry Henry as his assistant for Belgium. Thing is, they have such an array of attacking talent, from the sublime stylings of Eden Hazard to the brute force of your Fellainis and Lukakus, that they'll surely stick at least a couple past us and top the group in spite of their coach.
England vs Tunisia brings back fond memories of our Monday lunchtime France 1998 opener, the BBC's broadcast of which opened with Des Lynam's immortal "Hi there. Shouldn't you be at work?" (No Des, because I'm a bone-idle student.) North Africa is well represented in these finals, but it's hard to see any of the three sides emulating their neighbour Algeria in 2014 and escaping their group.
Panama have never qualified for the finals before and boast literally no familiar names in their squad, and are therefore a throwback to the Good Old Days (TM) when there was hardly ever any football on the telly and the World Cup was a genuinely exotic, eye-opening event. Expect the media to fall back on a well-worn array of canal and hat-related puns, none of which I've broken out because I prefer to deal in palindromes: A man, a plan, a canal - Panama. Marvellous.
In Group H lies the true magic of the World Cup - where else would you have four such entirely disparate nations (and nicknames) playing each other?
Columbia (optimistically known as "Los Cafeteros"/"the Coffee Growers", as if it's legal cash crops their country ever brings to mind) have by far the best pedigree and arguably should have beaten Brazil last time out. They ought to finish top here, then maybe England await in round two - in which case who will they face in the quarters? Exciting times.
Poland ("the Eagles" and/or "the White and Reds") failed to get out of their group in 2002 and 2006 and haven't qualified for the last two finals. They are basically Robert Lewandowski, a couple of ex-Arsenal keepers and not much else on paper.
Japan ("the Samurai Blue") have qualified for every finals since 1998 and only twice reached the last 16. Nothing to see here.
Meanwhile Senegal ("the Lions of Teranga", wherever that is) could never have imagined after their dream 2002 run that it would take them 16 years to qualify again. They will be hoping that their squad of N'Doyes, Ndiayes and N'Diayes, plus more importantly Saido Mane, will be able to spring a surprise or two. With this draw, there's no reason why not.
Summary:
It would take a brave man to predict a winner from outside the usual clique of favourites/previous winners, and I'm nothing if not a total wuss so I'm plumping for Brazil on the basis that their next trophy is overdue. And how about Senegal for a dark horse tip at 200/1-ish? They are the Lions of Teranga, after all (this might shed some light on the Teranga thing). All I really know is that, however bad the football or the morality of the men in charge, nothing quite sets a football fan's heart a-beating like the World F'n Cup.
Bring it on!
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