Disney World 2023

Yes, we went to Disney World again. Get over it. As usual, for reasons of space and sanity let’s concentrate on what was new and different.

The heat

Florida in August is a furnace. No matter how many times you tell yourself this, the reality still blasts you in the face like an angry, sweaty fire god. On the first afternoon I was briefly reconsidering the entire trip. Being a shopping and entertainment district, Disney Springs was not designed with shade in mind; unfortunately, Gideon’s Bakehouse has carved itself such a unique artisanal niche that cookie-craving customers must line up in the sun-baked asphalt for aeons. Thank God for their Nitro Cold Brew’s immense restorative powers.

Also, late stage capitalism offers innumerable heat-defeating products, from cooling towels to the ubiquitous neck fans, through rehydration tablets all the way down to chafing sticks. After the first couple of days, once we’d got into the rhythm of downing a bottle of water and reapplying our sun cream every five minutes, we were fine. I’d like to think all those early-morning strength and conditioning classes finally paid off, but there were people of all shapes and sizes roaming the parks, so who knows. We were also lucky to have experienced minimal rain – time was that you could set your watch by Florida’s brief but torrential daily afternoon storms, but climate change seems to have put paid to that.

9AM on our first morning, already roasting

All told, late August is fertile WDW territory for Brits. Many US kids are back at school, and the current deals are pretty sweet due to the visitor-Kryptonite combo of reduced post-Covid revenge travel, cost of living challenges and Disney’s general price-gouging. There are, of course, myriad cheaper holiday options, but rationality goes out of the window when it comes to Disney.

NB    Late stage capitalism has also spawned an entire Etsy industry dedicated to knock-off t-shirts with rib-tickling slogans like “I’m done adulting, let’s do Disney” in fake Disney font or, even better, cringey personalised family sets. Yes, tees are now a park attraction in themselves. So, what else is new?

 

New rides and attractions

Guardians of the Galaxy: Cosmic Rewind is this year’s must-ride coaster. Marvel’s byzantine rights arrangements forbid Disney from using its higher-profile heroes east of the Mississippi River (don’t ask), which is why Universal Orlando has Hulk and Spidey rides and Disney could only build its Avengers land in California. So there was always a risk of the Guardians looking like sloppy seconds – except, just like in the movies, they prove to be fantastic entertainment. Cosmic Rewind is a pimped-up, 21st century Space Mountain, a silky smooth ride whose vehicles spin you around while you whizz through the darkness, soundtracked by 1980s pop rock and Chris Pratt, Bradley Cooper and co’s specially recorded wisecracks.

Conversely, Tron: Lightcycle Run, Magic Kingdom’s new shiny trinket, is somewhat underwhelming. Time is the issue here – the ride itself, though fun and futuristic, is over in about a minute and, as the joke goes, in the same time it's taken Disney to build the thing Universal have basically put up a whole new park. With nothing new announced besides Splash Mountain’s Tiana refurb and Epcot’s Moana Journey of Water walkthrough thing, does Bob Iger have anything up his sleeve to counter Epic Universe when it opens in 2025-ish?

Roundup Rodeo BBQ (Becky keeps calling it "Woody's", which is INCORRECT)

Maybe he’ll have to rely on restaurants. Roundup Rodeo BBQ is a seamless addition to Hollywood Studios’ Toy Story Land, serving a family style meal in a beautifully themed setting. The central gag is that guests are all toys dining in Andy’s tree house or shed or something and so when a “human” voice comes over the tannoy you have to freeze just like they do in the movies. The selection of meats and salads is pretty good and the attention to detail in the theming is immaculate. My one grip would be that the audio gags could be freshened up some – the same few seem to be on heavy rotation.

A server at Steakhouse 71 declared it the best restaurant on property – a valid claim. The lunch service at this vintage eatery on the ground floor of the Contemporary resort (the ’71 refers to WDW’s inaugural year) includes a stack burger that’s up there with the best I’ve eaten (I don’t keep a list though, sorry), and foolishly generous servings of deliciously moist chocolate cake.

If you’re saving a bit of cash by staying at Pop Century, the Skyliner is an ideal way to visit some more upmarket resorts and sample their food. Sebastian’s at Caribbean Beach and Topolino’s at Riviera were familiar stops, but we also tried the latter’s fancy food court, Primo Piatto. Although the Mediterranean-themed sandwiches were very good, be warned the time it took to be served them stretches the definition of “quick” service.

Not much else was new to us. Ronto Roasters serves up tasty wraps in Galaxy’s Edge (aka Star Wars land) – my wife raved about the plant based one that contained a whopping slice of zucchini. Actual vegetables! In Disney World! And spice too! Epcot’s Food and Wine festival provides a huge selection of dishes from around the world, although some of the portions don’t exactly scream value. We’ve mostly settled into a tried-and-tested shortlist of favourite restaurants – Boathouse, Boma, Sana’a, D-Luxe… great meals all.

Boma breakfast - yes, this is just her food

It’s worth highlighting how brilliant Disney are with allergies (although coeliac, as any fule kno, is an autoimmune condition). At home, we tend to eat out at the same few trusted restaurants and get twitchy when we’re forced to try anything new. And we make a lot of packed lunches. In Disney World, bar one incident last year we’ve felt totally safe – staff go out of their way to make sure Charlotte’s food is prepared separately and at sit-down restaurants the chef will always come out to talk you through her options on request, and basically end up bringing her far greater quantities of food than we get. This is such a huge consideration for many people, and goes some way to explaining why we’re possibly becoming a tad obsessive in our Disney holiday plans. Speaking of which…

Halloween havoc

Joining hundreds of costumed guests to file through a repurposed Ariel’s grotto in order to receive shovelfuls of mini Mars candy bars you could purchase in any shop, in August, I felt like I may have achieved Peak Disney. Mickey’s Not-So Scary Halloween Party is a total mind-fuck. You want to meet some new or rare characters, but all the lines are at least an hour long, so who will it be: Mickey and friends in their costumes? The Seven Dwarfs? Captain Hook? You could meet them all, but then you’d be missing the parade, the special stage show and/or the fireworks, so you stake out a spot near-ish the castle until your feet ache, your arms hurt too after holding up your small child so she can see over the sea of phones and selfie sticks (not allowed in the parks, by the way – yes, Japanese guy with the five foot-long pole, I’m talking to you), and then you decide you have to watch the second showing of the parade because it’s so good and the bloody ear-worm tune is lodged in your head forever.

Boo to You parade

You’d like to try some of the party-exclusive snacks and beverages, except the lines for them are also insane and you have to get enough trick or treat candy to satiate your greedy kid, and then you end up queuing for half an hour just to get popcorn because you wanted something savoury but failed to account for Disney nerds desirous of the exclusive collector’s bucket.

You’d also like to do a few rides, because all the bloggers and vloggers say they’ll never be quieter, but that’s easy for them to say if they’re getting paid to be there, or are local and wealthy enough to attend multiple parties, but for us mere mortals HOW DO WE HAVE THE TIME??? Naturally, return visits are baked into Disney’s party game plan, because it’s impossible to try the huge range of exclusive stuff in one evening. As suckers who’ve dropped hundreds of notes for Mickey’s Very Merry Christmas Party too, I’d say the latter’s festive iconography has the edge, at least for Brits who don’t share America’s halloween obsession. And while there are millions of Christmas movies to plunder, MNSSHP has to make do with the endlessly overrated Tim Burton’s Nightmare Before Christmas (on which he apparently had limited input anyway) and 1993 box office bomb Hocus Pocus, which we did watch for research purposes (verdict: generic small-town kids vs bad guys fare, albeit boasting deranged, scenery-chomping turns from Bette Midler and a pre-SATC Sarah Jessica Parker).

Still, with all that said, Mickey sure knows how to throw a party.

 

Cruisin’

First off, let’s clear up some preconceptions:

Cruises are only for old biddies. There were senior citizens, middle-aged folks, young parents and teens and kids of all ages on our voyage.

You’re stuck on a boat most of the time. Have you seen the size of the Wish, the newest member of the Disney Cruise Line fleet? There is so much to see and do on board. Loads of people do all-inclusive holidays where they rarely or never leave the resort. This is no different.

You don’t get much time to explore the places you do stop at. Okay, this was a four-night cruise with two port days and we passed up the chance to explore Nassau, because expert advice suggests you’ll be hustled relentlessly, with a strong chance of getting mugged or worse. But, leaning into its cult-like qualities, Disney has its own private Bahamian island. Castaway Cay is a carefully curated beach day experience – spotless, stunning sandy beaches with hundreds of loungers, warm shallow waters with a guest:lifeguard ratio of about 2:1, and a ruthlessly efficient barbecue lunch service.

On-board dining is a key part of the cruise experience. A buffet and quick service windows offer all you care to enjoy all day long (special shout out to the Mexican bowls from Donald’s Cantina). Then, the evenings showcase Disney’s unique rotational dining concept. You have one dinner at each of the three main restaurants – Arendelle, Worlds of Marvel and fancy 1923 – and the kicker is your servers follow you to each, meaning they get to know you and your dietary and beverage preferences. The food is perfectly decent considering the sheer scale of the mass catering; the service levels are comparable to the many Michelin starred establishments we’ve visited (#humblebrag) in terms of the care and attention lavished on diners. They even cut up your child’s food for you, for heaven’s sake. Oh, and the fourth night is Pirate Night (obviously), with its own special menu, two “pirate parties” and fancy dress very much encouraged. It’s as weird as it sounds.

A rare quiet moment in the ballroom

Then there’s the theming. Everything here is Disney to the max, from the constant stream of songs in the background to the plethora of character appearances and the evening stage shows (the Aladdin musical was way better than the one we saw in the West End a few years back), and right down to the fixtures and fittings. Check out those carpet patterns! You really are immersed in the bubble, even more so than in the WDW resorts, where much of the theming is equally beautiful but less blatantly Disneyfied.

A few negatives: all guests can do in the tiny pools is bob up and down like corks. The AquaMouse water slide attraction is merely okay. Merch gets snapped up fast – the shops close when you’re in port and can be mental when they re-open. And, most annoyingly, activities get very busy. Some, like wine and beer tastings and tables at the adults-only restaurants, sell out to the veteran cruise customers before the newbie pleb booking window even opens. Even the non-bookable bingo and trivia sessions can fill up well before the advertised start time, so we missed out on multiple stuff this way. Fortunately, Charlotte spent most of her time in the kids club and, with rooms themed around Star Wars, Marvel, Frozen and Tangled, who the hell wouldn’t? Oh, and they’re the only cruise company with a fireworks licence, because of course they are.

All hands on deck for one of the many parties

I don’t recommend cruising for Disney beginners. Get your fill of the parks and resorts first. Then, if you have any money left and are jonesing for more, do take the plunge. It truly is Next Level Shit.

In summary

As hinted above, Disney bears most of the hallmarks of a cult. The major difference between it and other sinister high-control organisations is its transparent financial motivations. Disney makes no effort to hide its desire to part you from your money, and indeed despite new-old CEO Bob Iger’s optics clearing the low bar of the previous Bob’s, most of the post-Covid resort price increases remain and may yet have a long-term impact on visitor numbers.

But let’s face it: we’re middle-aged. We have limited time and appetite for holiday-related risks or brave new worlds. Instead, as time goes on, the more we lean into the things we love. A few years ago, I’d never have dreamed of doing any kind of cruise. And I swore we’d never become that family with matching tees, and then…

Still, there are many further untapped levels of madness. Take fish extenders, which seem to be an excuse for sanctimonious types to moan on Facebook when their fellow passengers fail to reciprocate the hundreds of bucks and hours they spent on their carefully curated, personalised gifts. We’re nowhere near that stage. Yet. Give it a few more years…

PS    We had an unexpectedly indirect return journey via Dublin thanks to BA cancelling our original flight, but we could have ended up sleeping on a terminal floor somewhere, so mustn’t grumble.

PPS    Irony dept: we genuinely sat behind two of my former LexisNexis colleagues and their kids on It’s A Small World. They didn’t recognize me (fair enough), so I chickened out of saying hello for fear of it being too awkward. There’s a metaphor for my life in there somewhere.