Disney hols 2024 (Pt 1)

As the saying goes, when life gives you lemons, go on a Disney cruise. Never mind that we booked the trip long before the citrus items in question arrived (straight after we came back from our last one, why do you ask?) - what better way to combat the greyest, boringest time of the year in the UK (NFL playoffs excepted) than getting the hell out? Some might frown upon pulling your kid out of school for a couple of days, but my mum and dad took me out of school for weeks at a time and it never did me any hurm.

Pre-ship

We decided to top and tail the boat-based fun with a brief stay in a couple of different WDW resorts. The consensus take from the blogs and guidebooks on Caribbean Beach (CBR to those in the know) is that it’s huge and confusing to navigate, something we’d suspected on our previous visits when we’d Skylinered over from our regular haunt of Pop Century. Turns out said prevailing view is bollocks – it’s a few minutes walk from any room to the reception area and there’s an easily-accessible Skyliner station at either end. Each little “village” or cluster of beautiful pastel-shaded buildings (named after islands – Aruba, Jamaica and others not rhapsodised by the peak cheese-era Beach Boys) has its own pool, laundry and drinks machines, and they’re all dotted around a beach-studded lake that’s shared with the sexy deluxe Riviera resort.

Aruba, Jamaica... something something take ya/ Bermuda, Bahama... oh you get the idea

The menu at Sebastian’s is similar to the much-hyped Ohana at the Poly, only the family style platter is tastier and more refined and the setting far less chaotic. Plus there’s a soundtrack of karaoke hits from the titular crooning crustacean. Amazing. Meanwhile, Riviera is a short walk away and gives you superior quick service at Primo Piatto and, of course, the almighty Topolino’s.

The only possible drawback of a CBR stay would be the multiple bus stop loop – a feature of nearly all moderate resorts which could massively bugger up your rope-dropping schedule. Still, this only applies to the two non-Skyliner parks, and was irrelevant to our trip. Although we love Pop and just roll with its garishness and bustle, CBR has a dreamy, blissed-out vibe – provided you're not anxious about spending the extra cash.

Minnie's Beach Bash - note windowless side room

We also sampled the character breakfast at Beach Club’s Cape May Café. The standard Disney morning buffet fodder of Mickey waffles, bacon, sausage, etc is nothing to write home about, but who can really put a price on the chance for your kid to meet Minnie and friends in their cute beach outfits? (38 bucks per adult, 20 per kid, FYI.) Charlotte had a ball; we'd have enjoyed it more had we not been stuck in a windowless side room miles from the buffet, which tends to be a running theme of our trips. How are other people getting the good seats? Are we not valued customers by now? What’s the bribe system and how do we join?

The boat

This was a seven night Western Caribbean cruise on the Disney Fantasy, an older, smaller ship than the Wish from last August. But the differences kinda balance out: 

• The Wish has no perimeter running track, but a better gym.
• Way more table space at rotational dining on the Fantasy, but it lacks immersive dinner entertainment.
• The Wish's atrium is way cooler, but comes at the expense of an extra set of lifts and stairs.
• Most of the Fantasy's bars are all in one area, but the Wish has IP-specific stuff like the Star Wars Hyperspace Lounge.

In short, both ships are great and boast the same impeccable levels of service, cleanliness and activity schedule. Mind you, the Wish does have a slide to enter the kids' club, which is a game changer if you're six.

Food

Old school cruisers have strong views about change. Nowhere is this more evident than Palo. Real talk: fun as the rotational dining is, and however amazing the staff, the food doesn't stretch much beyond Good. Palo is proper Italian inspired fine dining, an oasis perched at the rear of deck 12, away from the roving hordes.

Its $50 upcharge has risen post-Covid, and many grumblings surround the brunch in particular, as the old all-you-can-enjoy buffet option has gonezo. Now, here's the menu:

A reminder that for 50 bucks, you can order as much as you like from every section, with Michelin levels of service. A reminder that 50 bucks won't even cover a Chef Mickey's buffet with barely passable food and a backdrop of kiddie-geddon. Honestly, what is it with Americans and buffets?

NB Bearing in mind there are also desserts, the recommended strategy is to forego the egg and waffle sections and load up elsewhere. The best entree was the Rollatini thing, a beast of a dish coming on like lasagne-meets-calzone.

Dat coffee foam 😍

Rotational dining on the Fantasy consists of Enchanted Garden (evening Parisien bistro vibe), the princess-themed Royal Court and the cartoonish Animators Palette. The latter is the most fun, particularly second time around where everyone gets to see a character they've drawn dancing around with Mickey and Co on tableside screens. (No it's not lame, you're lame). You'd think on a 7-night cruise there'd be repetition, but no two menus are the same and the staff even wear different uniforms every night.

A special shout out to the Mickey churro waffles, only available on the final sea day. If you know, you know.

Pixar Day at Sea 

Aka the only time you can justifiably tell your child "mummy's waiting for Sadness".

This started on bad note: stuck at the rear of a glacially slow line at 8:30am for "An Incredible Encounter" to see not the whole Superhero family, just Edna Mode and Elastigirl, whom I realised I did not give one solitary fuck about meeting. Still, we awoke at 5am one January morning to book the bloody thing, so needs must.

But the attention to detail for the whole day is off the charts, from the Pixar soundtracks in public areas to characters like Up's Dug and Russell and the Toy Story Army Men wandering around midship. With special shows and games peppered throughout the day, it really does feel special.

Port excursions

Being a 7 night cruise with multiple stops, we thought we should actually visit some ports this time. (The amazing Castaway cay is just an extension of Disney, and doesn't count)

Cozumel is a place I'd never previously heard of. A largeish Mexican island off the Yucatan peninsula, it boasts the world's second largest coral reef and is thus a cruise hotspot. Value for money can be had by booking tours or taxis independently; as inexperienced travellers we just threw money at Disney for one of their approved port adventures - a tour of a ruined Mayan city, a beach park visit and a cheeky little bit of chocolate tasting. Charlotte threw a right strop at the ruins, outraged at being forced to do something educational on a Disney vacay. In truth, although our tour guide was great, I prefer to explore stuff at my own pace rather than stand around for long spiels - not that I'm endorsing such sulky behaviour, mind.

Some Mayan ruins yesterday (sulky daughter pretending she's tired in foreground)

We had less time at the beach than advertised - no bad thing when it was a heaving mass of sunburnt cruise tourists plus a couple of so-so pools and an expensive bar. And zero shade - a pale-skinned wife's worst nightmare.

The choc tasting was one of those loss-leading hard sell things, but the free samples were delicious and we emerged with wallets unscathed. The gauntlet of port area shops between the dock and the coach, on the other hand, was a hustler's paradise. We didn't feel like we'd experienced much of Actual Mexico but hey, it was a few hours outdoors.

George Town, capital of Grand Cayman, was more pleasant. After a tender boat ride to shore (ships can't dock at the port itself due to shallows or something), we visited a nice little Cayman Islands museum which had various kid-friendly bells and whistles including a fake submarine to stave off Mayan-style boredom. Then we popped along to the little public beach by the port, a much more chilled and civilised place for a paddle.

George Town public beach (bonus Norwegian ship in background)

The view of Falmouth from the ship was magnificent, all pretty colonial buildings and lush hillside forests in the distance. That's as far as we got, mind - travel warnings for Jamaica sound sketchy AF, plus if you stay onboard on port days there's still a ton of activities but far fewer people.

There's obviously lots more to see and do in these places. Next time, because there will be a next time, we might venture further afield (October half term, if you were wondering).

T shirt watch:

Lots of "Today is a core memory day" tees, especially on Pixar Day. Predicting a day full of all-time amazing life highlights feels like a lot of pressure. What if it isn't? "Let's hope today doesn't 100% suck" would be more my vibe.

Otherwise, this one from Pirate Night takes some beating.

Characters

While everybody else inside the costumes gets to be hyper-exuberant, whoever dons the Sadness suit gets to explore a different emotional range (not exactly wide, but different). She might be the most fun character both to meet and to watch in the deck parties.

One fun game during the interminable lines is to guess which cast members are in which suits. Presumably they all have to pull double or triple duty, so who else do the princesses play, for example? Somebody noted a suspiciously high number of creatures who signed autographs left-handed. We also saw a rather diminutive Mickey and a frankly tiny Buzz. No way could that guy or girl pull off a Goofy or Sulley (stop it - you know what I mean).

We also walked past Thor down a random corridor, clad in full superhero regalia. (He was dressed up too lol.) You wouldn't get that shit on Norwegian.

Last days

We disembarked at Port Canaveral and made the lengthy transfer to WDW under rainy grey skies, like we'd teleported home already. Not the best circumstances for brunch at Summer House on the Lake, but too late to cancel. Although this recent Californian addition to Disney Springs has garnered rave reviews from the Disney food allergy community for its GF-friendly menu, our burgers were twice the price as D Luxe's and half as good. Sunshine may have improved matters.

What Summer House is supposed to look like

We had so many outdoor-based plans for Coronado Springs - swimming, campfire, movie under the stars... No Disney resort looks great in the gloom, so judging this moderate by one brief, drizzly stay would be harsh. But: it's chocka with conventioneers, the rooms feel more like business hotels, and the colours and Disneyfication are rather muted. Let's chalk this one up to experience and consider it another resort box ticked. If we'd known the weather would be so bleak, we'd have just hung around the airport for hours.

In summary

I get why dropping several grand on these increasingly frequent Disney holidays might seem weird. Allow me to paraphrase Touring Plans supremo and Unofficial Guide co-author Len Testa; asked on a recent Disney Dish podcast how such profligate spending could be justified (not to mention the insane planning levels required), when for the same price you could eg tour Europe for 3 weeks, he argued that's all well and good for grown ups. To do so with kids, you'd have to do similar amounts of planning - dreaming up hundreds of ways to keep the little brats darlings occupied. 

Disney, on the other hand, is effectively your babysitter - and on the ships, they have amazing clubs to throw your kids into day and night. Plus, they take so much care with food allergies that we have no vomit or poo concerns. For the next few years, at least until we can drag Charlotte around sites of historical interest without epic sulks (probably once she gets a phone, oh dear God), Disney is an expensive, extravagant, extraordinary no-brainer.

Disney: it's only money (hey Bob - you can have that one for free).